Official OCC Joke Thread

[Andrewr05]

 

I think I heard that one awhile back but its still pretty funny...

[_TheAlexO]

Womens rights

[Boinker]

Three Men walk into a bar........... Why didn't the second or third duck????

 

A blonde, a pilot, a Old man, and his grandson are in a plane. The pilot comes from the cockpit and he tells everyone that the plane is going to crash. He also notifies them that there are only three parachutes on the plane so one of them shall have to stay. the pilot without hesitating takes the first chute and jumps from the plane. the Blode says ladies first and grabs a chute and jumps from the plane. The Grandfather then tells his grandson, I have lived my life with no regrets and am satefied, you may have the last chute. the Grandson then states to his grandfather. Its ok grandpa, we can both go. With a confused look on his face as they are getting ready he asks why and His grandson said. The blonde took my backpack.

[fariss]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife

says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this

breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a

jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My

nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and

the other is in your oatmeal.'

[fariss]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

 

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

 

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

 

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

 

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

 

 

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

 

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

 

 

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

 

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

 

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

 

 

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

 

 

 

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral)

 

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

[fariss]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had

great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked

her how she liked the experience.

 

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and

all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were

killing each other over 25 cents.'

 

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

 

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of

the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the

quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

[N.E.A]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had

great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked

her how she liked the experience.

 

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and

all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were

killing each other over 25 cents.'

 

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

 

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of

the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the

quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

 

girls .. <_< they do not know any thing about football and computers ..

[fariss]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

 

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[fariss]

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

[ScapeGoat]

I didn't read the whole thread so I'll just hope there aren't racist or nazi related jokes here since my grand grandfather died in Auschwitz...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...he fell from a watch tower.

Edited December 7, 2009 by ScapeGoat

[fariss]

[tkrow21]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,

she happily sits upon her rocking chair,

watching the world go by from her front porch,

with a cat named Bob for companionship.

 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere,

appeared the fairy godmother.

 

Cinderella said,

"Fairy Godmother,

what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella,

you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.

Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

 

Cinderella was taken aback,overjoyed,

and after some thoughtful consideration,

she uttered her first wish:

 

"The prince was wonderful,but not much of an investor.

I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks,

and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

 

Cinderella said,

"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,

"It is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body,

and said,

"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

 

At once, her wish became reality,

and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

 

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

"You have one more wish;

what shall it be?"

 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says:

"I wish for you to transform Bob,my old cat,

into a kind, and handsome, young man."

 

Magically,

Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up,

that when he stood before her,he was a man so beautiful,

the likes of him neither she, nor the world, had ever seen.

 

The fairy godmother said,

"Congratulations,Cinderella,

enjoy your new life."

And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,

the fairy godmother was gone

as suddenly as she appeared.

 

For a few eerie moments,Bob and Cinderella

looked into each other's eyes.

 

Cinderella sat, breathless,gazing at the most beautiful,

stunningly perfect man,she had ever seen.

 

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella,who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,

& held her close in his young muscular arms.

 

He leaned in close,

blowing her golden hair with his warm breath,

as he whispered ....

 

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered"