Official OCC Joke Thread

[Rokkaholik]

The Rules Of Texas

 

 

 

 

Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

 

Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

 

It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to.

 

No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

 

They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

 

So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

 

Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my hunting camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won'thappen.

 

We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, well if that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in,we Will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

 

Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle.

 

We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait.

 

Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

 

The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

 

Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.

 

Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to.

 

Our women are some of the best looking in the country.We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.

 

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

 

When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables,and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce.

 

You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

 

Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.

 

That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.

 

High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

 

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

 

Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come out of there with an educationand a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

 

We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked bythe best!

 

Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

 

Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas.

[Rokkaholik]

So, you think English is easy, huh? Read to the end and see if you still think so.

 

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

 

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

 

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

10. I did not object to the object.

 

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

 

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 

18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 

19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this...

 

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

 

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

 

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

 

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

 

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP ...

 

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

 

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

 

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so... it is time to shut UP!

[minigeek]

A priest, a rabbi, and an irishman walk into a bar.

 

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

 

best variation:

 

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister Walk Into a Bar. Then a horse walks in. The bartender says "Why the long face?"

[fariss]

The Joke's on US

 

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.

We agree

[slick2500]

This is how we do things in South Dakota.

 

On a Saturday night the local sheriff was waiting outside a bar, as it got to closing time a man came stumbling out the door nearly falling down the stairs. Then the man proceeded to have a conversation with the mail box, staggered to the parking lot looked around walked up to a car tried his keys with no luck, finally after about the 4th car he found his, he gets in plays with the lights flips on the windshield wipers and watches them for a few minuets, turns on the radio flips through the channels, then finally starts his car, by this time there are only about 2 or 3 other cars in the parking lot, the man puts his car in reverse then drives forward a few feet then backs up again, then finally pulls out of the parking spot, he then proceeds to drive down the road going about 5 miles per hour, the sheriff decided he has enough probable cause and proceeds to pull the man over, he walks up to the guys window and asks "have you had anything to drink tonight sir?" the man looks up at the sheriff and says "no sir I am the dedicated decoy"

[sdy284]

obama jokes

 

[Rokkaholik]

WHAT DOCTORS SAY AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

 

 

 

This should be taken care of right away.

 

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

 

 

 

 

 

Wellll, what do we have here...?

 

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

 

 

 

 

 

Let me check your medical history.

 

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

 

 

 

 

 

Why don't we make another appointment later in the week?

 

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time OR I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

 

 

 

 

 

We have some good news and some bad news.

 

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is you're going to pay for it.

 

 

 

 

 

Let's see how it develops.

 

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

 

 

 

 

 

Let me schedule you for some tests.

 

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

 

 

 

 

 

I'd like to have my associate look at you.

 

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

 

 

 

 

 

I'd like to prescribe a new drug.

 

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

 

 

 

 

 

If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call.

 

I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

 

 

 

 

 

That's quite a nasty looking wound.

 

I think I'm going to throw up.

 

 

 

 

 

This may smart a little.

 

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?

 

I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

 

 

 

 

 

This should fix you up.

 

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

 

 

 

 

 

Everything seems to be normal.

 

Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

 

 

 

 

 

I'd like to run some more tests.

 

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

 

 

 

 

 

Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?

 

You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split the fees with me...

 

 

 

 

 

There is a lot of that going around.

 

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

 

 

 

 

 

If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment.

 

I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

[Rokkaholik]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy.

 

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

 

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

 

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

 

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had . in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

 

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

 

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[Rokkaholik]

MALE PHILOSOPHY

 

When a man steals your wife, there is than to let him keep her.

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin - they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

 

Women inspire us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer is "What does a woman want?

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

 

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

 

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

 

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

 

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it and 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to...

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

 

A man inserted a 'wife wanted' ad in the classifieds. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Edited April 2, 2010 by Rokkaholik

[Rokkaholik]

I'VE BEEN WONDERING...

 

WHY... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

WHY... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

WHY... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?

WHY... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?

WHY... the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

WHY... women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

WHY... don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

WHY... is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

WHY... is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

WHY... is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

WHY... is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

WHY... is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

WHY... isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

WHY... didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

WHY... do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

WHY... don't they make the whole plane out of that same indestructible stuff black boxes are made out of?

WHY... don't sheep shrink when it rains?

WHY... are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

WHY... if flying is so safe, do they call the airport the terminal?

WHY... ? Good question.

[CowKing]

Dead Baby Jokes:

 

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is fun to squash and eat...the others a watermelon

 

How many dead babies does it take to paint a room ?

depends on how hard you throw

 

What's the difference between a Dead baby and a rock?

you can't **** a rock

[kingdingeling]

Rokkaholik, those are awesome