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Official OCC Joke Thread

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"I'M GOING FISHING" means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

 

"OH, DON'T FUSS! I JUST CUT MYSELF IT'S NO BIG DEAL" means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

:lol:

 

 

Those are great.

Edited by Andrewr05

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LAWS WE ALL LIVE UNDER

 

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

LAW OF GRAVITY - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

LAW OF PROBABILITY - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 

LAW OF THE ALIBI - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

VARIATION LAW - If you change lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

LAW OF THE BATH - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

LAW OF THE RESULT - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

LAW OF THE THEATER AND FOOTBALL STADIUM - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.

 

THE COFFEE LAW - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 

LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

DOCTORS' LAW - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.

 

Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."

 

The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"

 

Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can you tell me what's in my glass?" Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed after he had spat the mouthful out. "That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

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You're on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart. The music is loud enough, so you time your farts with the beat. You end up letting 5-6 strong & loud ones go back to back. After a couple of songs and a few more rippers, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you're leaving the bus, People are staring you down and giving you menacing looks....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's when you remember you've been listening to your iPod. :blink::blush::lol:

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You're on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart. The music is loud enough, so you time your farts with the beat. You end up letting 5-6 strong & loud ones go back to back. After a couple of songs and a few more rippers, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you're leaving the bus, People are staring you down and giving you menacing looks....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's when you remember you've been listening to your iPod. :blink::blush::lol:

 

 

Lol, that happened to me once, but nobody heard anything. :lol:

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

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LETTERS TO THE ED

 

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

 

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

 

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

 

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

 

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

 

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

 

Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call.

 

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

 

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

 

I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

 

Why don't hospitals start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

 

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew bombers for the Luftwaffe.

 

Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving those fat .ers? It's hardly fair.

 

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.

 

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

 

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

 

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John, Liverpool

 

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

 

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

 

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

 

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Curry's, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Curry's?

 

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

 

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

 

I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is... who's sending the other one?

 

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

 

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

 

Supermarkets... help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.

 

Every time I use my local cash point, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.

 

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

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BBQ RULES

It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

 

ROUTINE:

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

4. The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

 

HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART:

5. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

 

MORE ROUTINE:

6. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

7. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

 

IMPORTANT AGAIN:

8. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

 

MORE ROUTINE:

9. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

 

AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:

11. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

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DEAR DIARY

 

DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

 

DAY 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

 

DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

 

DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

 

DAY 5: What absolute bliss!!

 

DAY 6: Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

 

DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

 

DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

 

DAY 9: No time to write. He might catch me.

 

DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

 

DAY 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

 

DAY 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

 

DAY 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

 

DAY 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

 

DAY 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and . himself and he did.

 

DAY 16: The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

 

DAY 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again.

 

DAY 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. Bliss!!

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THE ZEN OF SARCASM

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

 

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 

4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

 

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

 

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

 

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

 

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Corporate Stupidity

 

 

 

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

 

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

 

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."

(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

 

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

 

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

 

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

 

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

 

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

 

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

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