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Official OCC Joke Thread

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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new roosters struts over to the old rooster and says...

New:Ok old fart, time for you to retire.

Old:Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me, can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?

New:Beat it, you're washed up and I'm taking over.

Old:I tell you what, young stud. I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.

New:You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start.

The old rooster takes off running. 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The farmer grabs his shotgun and -BOOM- He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer: dang it... that is the third gay rooster I bought this month.

L O L

Foolish but humorous none the less...

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A guy rolls through a stop sign and gets pulled over. Officer says, "I'm going to have to give you a ticket, you didn't stop at that stop sign." The guy says, "yeah, but I slowed down." Officer asks him to get out of his car and he starts beating him senseless with his club and says, "Now, would you like me to slow down, or stop?"

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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

 

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

 

 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

 

Shamus said 'Are you crazy?

 

Now we don't have any money at all!'

 

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

 

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

 

 

 

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

 

 

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

 

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

 

 

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

 

 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

 

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

 

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.' :)

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Good tip for that sun burn

 

A guy fell asleep on the beach in Florida for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

 

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

 

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

 

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

 

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

 

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

 

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

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A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her blond head battered from bouncing, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in NYC .

Nothing is moving north or south.

 

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

 

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.

 

They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

 

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

 

'About a gallon...'

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An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc...

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old lady what it is."

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