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Official OCC Joke Thread

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A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed,

told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye

Grandpa."

 

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

 

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,

which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. and good-bye Grandma."

 

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh,

thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her

say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up

at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day,

had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight,

he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day,

he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping a t every sound.

 

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sign of relief and went home.

 

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late,

What's the matter?"

 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what

happened to me.........

 

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!!!"

 

HAHAHAHA! Thats just horrible! :blink:

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Saw these on another forum

 

"Welcome to the Republican Party"

 

#1

 

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted

to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were

standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the

first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."

 

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until

you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull

weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.

 

"Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy

hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while

her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why

doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

 

 

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

 

 

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

 

 

 

#2

 

Father/Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

 

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

 

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

 

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

 

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

 

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.'

 

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, and how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

 

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican party.'

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces

to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like

to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had .

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to

get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his

first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and .. At the register, the pharmacist asks

the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or

family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner

table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in

prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still

no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes

with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist.

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

 

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

 

'No,' she replies. . .

 

 

She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

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It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

 

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

 

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

 

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

 

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?

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A priest, a rabbi and an irishman walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What is this? Some kinda joke?"

 

That's a lot more politically correct than the Clint Eastwood version in "Gran Torino."

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Buttercups and Golf balls...

 

Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

 

All of a sudden . . . POOF!!

 

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature!"

 

"Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?"

 

 

"Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"

 

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

 

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

 

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the p-u-s-s-y willows."

 

 

Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!

Edited by slugbug

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A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his leg.

He sits down and the bartender says "Mate, you know you got a steering wheel comin' out ya leg?"

The man says "Yeah, it's drivin' me nuts."

Edited by Seriphx

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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new roosters struts over to the old rooster and says...

New:Ok old fart, time for you to retire.

Old:Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me, can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?

New:Beat it, you're washed up and I'm taking over.

Old:I tell you what, young stud. I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.

New:You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start.

The old rooster takes off running. 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The farmer grabs his shotgun and -BOOM- He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer: dang it... that is the third gay rooster I bought this month.

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