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Official OCC Joke Thread

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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

 

' Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had . with Nookie Green twice last month.'

 

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven.. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

 

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father , it has been two months since my last confession. I've had . with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

 

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

 

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

 

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

 

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

 

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

 

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

 

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

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Rules suck don't they?

 

3. This thread is not for discussions. Please try to post jokes only.

 

Yeah.

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That makes two rules you're breaking, one for me. Who's at loss?

 

But I'll even it up so we're both equally guilty.

 

http://nirvanapeace.wordpress.com/2009/02/...on-motorcycles/

 

HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION FROM JOHNSON MARINE WHO INTRODUCES A NEW LINE OF MOTORCYCLES

At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine,

makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational

equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style

motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader

Harley-Davidson.

Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said,

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Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House,

he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

 

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention,

Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

 

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.

I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

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I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in

front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for

dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

 

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat

dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

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After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and

give it a try?'

The blond headed off to the swamp determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

 

'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

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A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed,

told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye

Grandpa."

 

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

 

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,

which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy. and good-bye Grandma."

 

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh,

thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her

say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up

at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day,

had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight,

he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day,

he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping a t every sound.

 

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sign of relief and went home.

 

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late,

What's the matter?"

 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what

happened to me.........

 

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!!!"

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