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Official OCC Joke Thread

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IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHY...

 

CALIFORNIA

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

 

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realises he should stop. The coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness' program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not having stopped the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.

 

ARIZONA

The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

 

And THAT'S why California is broke

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How do you detect a redneck, Even different kinds.

 

1: engine hanging from the From shade tree is a good sign

2: an amass of junked vehicle in Front, side or back yard.

3: The presence of a trailer or several on there property

4: there are tires on the top of the Trailer (s)

5: the presence of beer can (mostly keystone) around trailer(s)

6: the use of Y'all or cAint..... Frequently

7: A word Robe that consists of tightey whiteys, Wranglers, and Wife beaters.

8: Multiple children Present in and around Trailer.

9: Children that tend to play in traffic

10: A hot tub consists of a pick-up truck, water proof tarp, and a Hose to redirect exhaust heat to water in bed of truck.

 

Please do not confuse Redneck with Trailer trash or Doublewide Garbage. Significant differences apply though related. :cheers:

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A TEABAGGER WHEN...

 

You didn't get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a President.

 

You didn't get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate energy policy.

 

You didn't get mad when a covert CIA operative got outed.

 

You didn't get mad when the Patriot Act got passed.

 

You didn't get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us.

 

You didn't get mad when we spent over 600 billion(and counting) on illegal war.

 

You didn't get mad when over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq.

 

You didn't get mad when you saw the Abu Grahib photos.

 

You didn't get mad when you found out we were torturing people.

 

You didn't get mad when the national debt doubled under the previous President from $5.674 trillion to $10.024 trillion.

 

You didn't get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping Americans and the President lied about it.

 

You didn't get mad when we didn't catch Bin Laden in Tora Bora.

 

You didn't get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.

 

You didn't get mad when we let a major US city drown!

 

You didn't get mad when the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark.

 

You finally got mad when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick.

 

Yes! Illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are all ok with you, but helping

other Americans... well that makes you mad!

 

I thought this was pretty funny

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I might have told this one on here before.

 

The setting is in the West during the Gold Rush. A man just made a claim on a lot to mine for gold. Problem is he can't do it alone. So he sees this strong Irish man walking by and hires him to do the heavy work. So the two get to working and realize the two of them aren't enough. They need someone to bring in the supplies. So the next day the Miner sees a Chinese man walk by asks him if he wants a job. The Chinese man agreed. The Miner told him all he needed to do was haul the supplies down the shaft to them. So the next day the Miner and the Irishman go to the mine, but the Chinese man is no where in sight. They can't afford to wait and so they start working. Later in the day both men wonder what happened to the Chinese man, as he seemed like he really wanted the job. At the end of their work day they start to head out of the mine shaft.

 

Suddenly...

(click on here to finish the joke)

The Chinese man appears and yells BtNBg.gif

 

 

Confused and didn't get it?

 

"Surprise" (with an accent) kinda sounds like supplies

 

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I might have told this one on here before.

 

The setting is in the West during the Gold Rush. A man just made a claim on a lot to mine for gold. Problem is he can't do it alone. So he sees this strong Irish man walking by and hires him to do the heavy work. So the two get to working and realize the two of them aren't enough. They need someone to bring in the supplies. So the next day the Miner sees a Chinese man walk by asks him if he wants a job. The Chinese man agreed. The Miner told him all he needed to do was haul the supplies down the shaft to them. So the next day the Miner and the Irishman go to the mine, but the Chinese man is no where in sight. They can't afford to wait and so they start working. Later in the day both men wonder what happened to the Chinese man, as he seemed like he really wanted the job. At the end of their work day they start to head out of the mine shaft.

 

Suddenly...

 

The Chinese man appears and yells BtNBg.gif

 

At first I didn't get it and then I finally did and had to partially re-read the joke and now... lol :lol:

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The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about $ex Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison". And then they made love for the first time.

 

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

 

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

 

Afterwards, he lies back on the bed, totally spent.

 

She nudges him playfully and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again..." Limply turning his head, he yells, "HEY IT'S NOT A LIFE SENTENCE YOU KNOW!"

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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

 

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

 

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother.

 

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that"s when you cursed...?" said the Mother with a knowing smile.

 

"Nope, that wasn"t it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

 

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "Missed the . putt didn't you?"

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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

 

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

 

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually as she passed on by. They were both stunned.

 

How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

 

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

 

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priest's couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.

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:lol: @ all three by Rokkaholik.

 

Krazy's is good too. :lol: Took me a bit but I got it eventually... :P

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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... her beautiful younger sister.

 

 

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

 

 

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

 

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

 

 

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

 

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

 

 

And the moral of this story is: ALWAYS keep your condoms in your car.

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After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for a favour.

The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily Chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I cannot change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our Daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The Church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel Gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate.

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." "Let me get back to you!" says the Pope.

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The Good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

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