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Official OCC Joke Thread

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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE:

 

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

 

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five

more minutes to watch the game before helping around the

house.

 

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.

This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (See #1)

 

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

 

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.

A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

 

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.

That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

(I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

 

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

 

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Edited by Rokkaholik

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Its funny how that is actually true. I hate getting txts saying Whatever, :P

 

Now you are supposed to contribute and not just comment someone else's joke so here is mine..

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

 

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

 

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

 

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers... our son in-law!"

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had . before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and ..

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

 

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

 

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

 

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers... our son in-law!"

 

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had . before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and ..

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

 

lol @ the above

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have .. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have . again, bathe in the warm sun and then have . a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around th golf course, then pretty much have . the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more . until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

 

 

 

"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

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One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from

across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He

spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in

and meet with President Obama."

 

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer

president and no longer resides here."

 

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

 

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to

the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

 

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no

longer president and no longer resides here."

 

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

 

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the

very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with

President Obama."

 

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and

said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to

speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the

president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

 

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love

hearing it."

 

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow,

Sir."

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aw i wanted to post a racist joke! crap crap crap *throws a tantrum*

 

-nothing bad tho, just funny

 

love this one tho

 

"Death Spiral," as it's known in Defense circles, is a trend that a each new generation of fighter planes costs more than the last, so that fewer are purchased by the Armed forces. A prediction, then, states that in the year 2054, America's Defense budget will only buy one airplane so that the Airforce will be able to use it in the morning, the Navy - at night, and the Marines get in every leap year on the extra day.

Edited by Crawlerz246

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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

 

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

 

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

 

My dad kept staring at her.

 

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

 

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew it would be a good one!

 

In his classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .......

 

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

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Most of mine are not PG-13 but i was sent these by the VP of IT at my work.

 

 

Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

 

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

 

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

 

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

 

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

 

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

 

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

 

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

 

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

 

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

 

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

 

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

 

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

 

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

 

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

 

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

 

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

 

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

 

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

 

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

 

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

 

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

 

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

 

Nike virus: Just Does It!

 

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

 

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

 

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

 

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

 

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

 

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

 

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

 

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

 

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

 

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

 

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

 

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

 

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

 

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

 

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

 

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

 

And for you Linux users:

 

 

Is Windows a virus?

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

 

1. Viruses replicate quickly.

Windows does this.

 

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.

Windows does this.

 

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.

Windows does this.

 

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.

Windows does that too.

 

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.

Same with Windows, yet again.

 

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

 

Nope! There is a difference!

 

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

 

 

Error codes in Windows

WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger <li>WinErr 002: No Error - Yet <li>WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file <li>WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong <li>WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused <li>WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive <li>WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware <li>WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments <li>WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened <li>WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full <li>WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB <li>WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! <li>WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside <li>WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside <li>WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened <li>WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers <li>WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside <li>WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside <li>WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ? <li>WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. <li>WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one. <li>WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! <li>WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software. <li>WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that. <li>WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. <li>WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. <li>WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. <li>WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. <li>WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. <li>WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. <li>WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. <li>WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. <li>WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? <li>WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. <li>WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available. <li>WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.

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