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Official OCC Joke Thread

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A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible

out of the dealership.

 

 

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind

blowing through what little hair he had left.

 

 

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff ,

pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing.. He floored it to 160 Km/h, then 180, then 200.

 

 

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and

pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.

 

 

Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

 

The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an

RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.

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At the top of a 100 story skyscaper in NY, theres a bar, all the way up there, with a balcony for viewing.

 

3 mexican men are drinking.

"a shot for each!", one says.

 

after they all do their shot, the elevator rings and opens.

a tall businessman getting off work gets out and heads to the bar.

 

"give me a shot of tequila", the man says to the bartender.

 

he does his shot and proceeds to walk to the balcony on the other end.

looks around and, jumps right out the window.

 

the mexican men run to the balcony and look down..

nothing. confused they go back to the bar.

 

about five minutes later, the same man comes out of the elevator,

and heads over to the bar. they are all staring now startled.

 

"give me a shot of tequila", the man says to the bartender.

 

he does his shot and proceeds to walk to the balcony on the other end.

looks around and, jumps right out the window.

 

they all run back and look over the window. still nothing.

they are totally confused now whats going on.

 

five more minutes go by and the man, once again

comes out of the elevator and heads to the bar.

 

"give me a shot of tequila", the man says to the bartender.

 

he does his shot and proceeds to walk to the balcony on the other end.

looks around and, jumps right out the window.

 

This time after they run to the balcony and look, to see nothing

they go to the bartender and go

 

"give us all a shot of tequila!"

"if he can do it so can we!!!"

 

they take their shot, and proceed to walk to the balcony and jump

 

100 stories they fell..

and SPLAT!!!!! all over the concrete they lay.

 

about five minutes later..

 

the same guy gets off the elevator and heads to the bar.

 

he gets up to the bar, and the bartender says..

 

"superman, your a ****hole"

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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

 

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"

 

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, okay..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

 

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?"

 

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

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The Husband Store

 

 

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

 

 

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...

 

 

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

 

The first floor has wives that love ..

 

The second floor has wives that love . and have money and like beer

 

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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From the mouths of men...

 

 

"I'M GOING FISHING" means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

 

 

 

"IT'S A GUY THING" means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 

 

 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" means "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

 

 

 

"UH HUH SURE, HONEY," or "YES, DEAR..." means absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

 

 

 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" means "I have no idea how it works."

 

 

 

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

 

 

 

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

 

 

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." means "Are you still talking?"

 

 

 

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS" means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

 

 

 

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES" means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

 

 

 

"OH, DON'T FUSS! I JUST CUT MYSELF IT'S NO BIG DEAL" means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

 

 

 

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING" means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

 

 

 

"I CAN'T FIND IT" means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 

 

 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" means "What did you catch me at?"

 

 

 

"I HEARD YOU" means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

 

 

 

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse."

 

 

 

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" means ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

 

 

 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE" means "No one will ever see us alive again."

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

 

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich then?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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A priest, a rabbi, and an irishman walk into a bar.

 

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

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A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

 

 

 

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

 

 

 

The drunk says: "Tits."

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Dear Lord..

 

This past year you have taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett, my favorite musician, Micheal Jackson, and my favorite salesman, Billy Mayes. I just wanted you to know that Barack Obama is my favorite President.

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A priest, a rabbi, and an irishman walk into a bar.

 

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

 

 

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

 

 

 

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

 

 

 

The drunk says: "Tits."

 

LOL!

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A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

 

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

 

The drunk says: "Tits."

That one is awesome, I can picture in my mind the thought process that a drunk goes through to come to that conclusion.

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Last Nickel

 

 

A father walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and

 

Started slapping him on the back..

 

The boy coughed up two of the nickels, but kept choking. Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking lady, in a blue business suit sat at a coffee bar, reading a newspaper and sipped a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the lady carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and, then, ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the lady deftly caught in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the lady handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he was sure his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushed to the lady and thanked her saying, 'I have

never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

 

'No,' the lady replied. I am with the I.R.S.'

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