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Official OCC Joke Thread


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THE PREACHER'S

SON

 

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at

school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's

room and placed on his study table four objects.

 

1. A Bible.

 

2. A silver dollar.

 

3. A bottle of whisky.

 

4. And a Playboy magazine.

 

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

 

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a

blessing that would be!

 

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that

would be okay, too.

 

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

 

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a

skirt-chasing womanizer.'

 

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

 

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

 

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he

picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

 

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.'

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THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

 

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

 

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

 

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER..

 

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS

UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

 

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

 

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM

WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

 

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.'

 

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

 

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'

 

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'

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There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boson's Mate that His men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change Underwear occasionally. The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.

"Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

 

THE MORAL: Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington; but don't count on things smelling any better!

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FW: THE NEW HEALTH COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL:

 

Date: Monday, August 31, 2009, 10:30 AM

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello?"

 

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

 

"Speaking."

 

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your

husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another

Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to

your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

 

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asked nervously.

 

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other

one tested positive for HIV," the doctor said. "We can't tell which is

which."

 

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" Mrs. Sanders asked.

 

"Normally we can," the doctor said, "but the new health care system will

only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

 

''Well, what am I supposed to do now?" she asked.

 

The doctor said, "The folks at Obama Health Care recommend that you drop

your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way

home, don't sleep with him."

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Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling butt-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

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A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, 'Crisco,

Crissssssscoooo!'

 

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says,

'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

 

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.

I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're

out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.

 

'What do you call her at home?'

 

'Lard butt.'

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A prison inmate was assigned to learn carpentry. He soon became the

best carpenter in the prison. The warden heard about the inmate's

work. So, when it was time to remodel his kitchen, he approached the

inmate. But the inmate refused to fit a countertop for the warden's

kitchen. The inmate said, "I'd love to help, but it was counterfeiting

that got me into prison."

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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a . shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbou t twoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'

She asks: ' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe

ssunoooffabbitch offffff??

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  • 4 weeks later...

The 11thHusband....

 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10

husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be

gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten

times.?"

 

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it

was going to be.

 

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was

suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

 

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out

diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he

didn't know when he would be able to deliver..

 

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted

three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art

method.

 

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't

sure whether it was his job or not.

 

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure

how to position it.

 

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

 

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

 

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss

him.

 

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

 

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".---- This time I KNOW I'M gonna get

SCREWED."

__________________

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  • 3 weeks later...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' Asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan, India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think

Of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by Saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting Chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said,

'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are Really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?'

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: Chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar..... You know...there's swearing, dirty Words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your freaking beer in your damn frozen mug and eat your damn snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't freaking going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'

 

So he stayed home............

.........and, they lived happily ever after.

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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing

his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist

appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

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