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Official OCC Joke Thread

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Here you can post your best jokes for the rest of us to get a good laugh.

 

OCC Joke Thread Rules

    1. All regular forum rules apply. If you need a refresher you can read them here.
     
    2. Keep jokes PG-13 level. This means no swearing, racist remarks, or sexually based jokes.
     
    3. This thread is not for discussions. Please try to post jokes only.
     
    4. Remember that this is all in fun, so try to keep the jokes funny. :)

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First joke! W00T ME!

 

First up is the age old classic.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

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What a terrible start... :P

 

OK, so, anyways!

 

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How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

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Hey! You wanna go ride bikes?

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This one is a true story...

 

Someone was at my buddies house doing some plumbing and need a ride home. My buddy said sure but as they were driving the plumber asked for him to pull over at the store saying "I forgot that I had to make my wife dinner tonight and I owe her a nice meal so I'll run in the store real quick and grab some stuff"

 

The guy walked out with a box of Cheerios......

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First joke! W00T ME!

 

First up is the age old classic.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

I like this version better.

 

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

 

Because he was stapled to a chicken :)

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steaks.

 

 

 

All of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful they finally talked to their priest.

 

 

 

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested he convert and become a Catholic.

 

 

 

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

 

 

 

Bubba's neighbors were really relieved their temptations were gone, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the entire neighborhood.

 

 

 

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

 

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

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On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

 

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

 

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

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What a terrible start... :P

 

OK, so, anyways!

 

------------------

 

How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Hey! You wanna go ride bikes?

 

You can laugh about it, but sometimes it feels that way xP

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Keep jokes PG-13 level. This means no swearing, racist remarks, or sexually based jokes.

But those are all the ones i like :(

 

 

 

 

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metalbar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

 

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt Heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic Parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

Son of a ###### tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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Here's my wacky shot at some:

 

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says "Get that gum out of your mouth", where as the train says "Chew, Chew "

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