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Official OCC Joke Thread

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Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground. They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the rightful owner could claim them.

 

The first one starts to write out the sign, "FOUND: one pair of boy's gym shorts"

 

 

 

"Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym shorts." "No they're not," says the first, "They're boy's shorts!"

 

 

 

The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look, "No, no... Definitely girl's gym shorts!"

 

 

 

The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing. "Boy's shorts!", "No, girl's shorts!", "Definitely boys shorts!"... and so on.

 

 

 

The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument. The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts... but not from my parish!"

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A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

 

 

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY...!!"

 

 

 

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then a wise butt like you shows up and drinks the whole thing! Jeez, I just can't win!!"

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Heres one i just heard today.

 

One night whilst reading bedtime stories to his little daughter a father was asked, "Daddy do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

After considering his daughters question, the father responded, "No honey, most of them start with; 'When i get elected, i promise...'." :teehee:

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For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

 

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/

gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and

would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

 

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of

beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man

to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and

together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two

distinct subgroups:

 

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives

 

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of

agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented

yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be

invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were

formed.

 

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night

while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as

the Conservative movement...

 

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live

off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the

sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the

Liberal movement.

 

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became

known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the

domestication of cats,the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the

concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer

that conservatives provided.

 

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most

powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by

the jackass for obvious reasons.

 

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer

white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their

beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare..

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have

higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,

personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group

therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule

because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

 

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red

meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game

hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,

medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives,

athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone

who works productively.

 

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work

for a living.

 

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and

decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are

more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals

remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They

crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying

to get more for nothing.

 

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

 

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to

angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

 

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute

truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true

believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

 

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self... I'm

going to have a steak and another beer.

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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this

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You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

 

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

 

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

 

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

 

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

 

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

 

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

 

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

 

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

 

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

 

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

 

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

 

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

 

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

 

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

 

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

 

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

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World's Shortest Books:

 

 

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

____________________________________________

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

by Tiger Woods

____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore

____________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS

& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

____________________________________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

____________________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

____________________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

____________________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J. Kevorkian

____________________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

____________________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

____________________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

____________________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson

____________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

by Linsday Lohan

____________________________________________

BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction by the

Rev. Jesse Jackson

____________________________________________

AND, JUST ADDED:

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy

by Nancy Pelosi

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A tough-looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked “Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

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A tough-looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked “Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

:rofl:

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