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Official OCC Joke Thread

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Two old naval aviators are getting very drunk at the Club when suddenly one

of 'em throws up all over himself. "Damn, now my wife will kill me!"

 

His buddy says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and

tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars to

have it dry-cleaned."

 

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually

they stumble out and go home. When he gets home this guy's wife starts to

chew his butt out. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!

My God, you're disgusting!"

 

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, he says, "Now way a

mint, I can splain everthin. Ish snot wha chew think. I only had a cupla

drrrinks. But thish damn Marine Ga ssick on me. He had one too manee and he

juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me

twennie bucks for the cleanin bill!

 

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh yeah, I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too!!"

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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I

just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive

around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your

clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be

expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is

rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job

assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her

mid-20's and has a rather strong . drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull craptin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

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How to solve the Airline problem‏

 

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

 

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking stripper s!

 

What the hell!!

 

They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

 

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

 

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

 

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

 

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

 

This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

 

 

 

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?

 

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

 

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Bill Clinton

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Probably been posted before, i cant remember.

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

 

The next year, I didn't give her a gift.

 

When she asked me why not, I told her, "Well, you still haven't used the one I gave you last year!"

 

And that's how the fight started...

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A government social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently

transferred to mountains of West Virginia and was on first tour of

her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever

seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

 

"Anybody home?" she asked

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?"persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a

family?"

 

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the

outhouse!"

 

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that

they'll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical

dilemmas?

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A man walks into a bar

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's an alcoholic and it's ruining his family

 

:cry:

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