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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, arm in a sling, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.

 

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

 

"Well, it was like this," said the man.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when, at a difficult hole, we both

sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

 

"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

 

"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's behind." That's when I made my big mistake."

 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' ".

 

"I don't remember much after that."

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This kind of thing happens to me all the time! lol

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, arm in a sling, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.

 

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

 

"Well, it was like this," said the man.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when, at a difficult hole, we both

sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

 

"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

 

"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's behind." That's when I made my big mistake."

 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' ".

 

"I don't remember much after that."

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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in

Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of

the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter

was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America," explained the man.

 

"We visited the
Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of

the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled

and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once.
"

 

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water.

 

Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

 

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.

 

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

 

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the

poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

 

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

 

"And from that moment we have lived happily ever after".

 

 

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Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,

Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's

roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a

relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more

curious.

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started

to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.

 

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be

thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

 

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your

mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy

ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

 

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be

sure. So he sat down and wrote:

 

Dear Mom:

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not

saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that

one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian

 

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

 

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you

"do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is

sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now

Love, Mom

 

LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

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OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT - GOVERNMENT GIVES SCUMBAGS A NEW MEANING!

 

The government today announced it is changing its official emblem from

an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance.

 

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next

generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security

while you are CONSTANTLY being screwed.

 

It doesn't get more accurate than that!!

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A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala

event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There

was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies

in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant

Major for conversation.

 

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to

be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said,

"Just serious by nature."

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations

and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 

The Sergeant Major's short reply was,

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a

conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up

a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious

manner.

 

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you

don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last

time you had .?"

 

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

 

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to

chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I

mean, no . since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

 

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in

his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?

It's only 2130 now."

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Guest Gir

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

 

i saw it at spencers on a poster and have remembered it since

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