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cpuz

good JOKE for ya...

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When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he

plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

 

 

He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes,

a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

 

 

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and

spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting

the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire

tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

 

 

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was

the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

 

 

 

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

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Guest drteming

I heard this one this morning on the radio and nearly crapped my pants laughing so hard in my car...

 

Your mamma's so fat that she's got three little fat mammas orbiting around her.

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Subject: Two Story House

 

 

The judge says, "Please tell me why you're seeking a divorce."

 

John says, "Because I live in a two-story house."

 

The Judge says, "What kind of a reason is that? What the matter with a

two-story house?"

 

John says, "I'll tell you what's the matter. One story is 'I have a

headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

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Beers, Bears and Bars in Billings

 

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits

down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a

beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't

serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be

served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We

don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in

Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me

a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end

of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to

belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,

eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again

demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to

belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are

on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

 

.........You're gonna love this.........

 

 

 

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a

barbitchyouate!

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Guest Gir

Last night my wife and i were in walmart. She went to the restroom. She heard some1 else come in so for some reason she decided to be real quiet. The girl that walked in set in the stall next to her. The girl in the stall said "hmmmmm" and my wife heard a buzzing sound. After about a minute of listening to her moans and stuff my wife makes a loud *cough*. She heard the girl go "OH .". My wife walks out and a little bit later so does a Wal-Mart employee. I almost died when my wife told me what happened. And this is a true story happened about 2am this morning. LOLOLOLOLOL

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LOL.....

heres a oldie-The Voodoo Dick!

 

A pool salesman, Hal, had to travel cross country for a meeting with one of his suppliers. This entailed leaving his wife, Vanessa, alone for about four days. This worried Hal, since he had caught Vanessa eyeing men on and off for the last couple of months. He decided to go down to the mall. They had this neat little . shop there were he could buy her some sort of playtoy, in hopes of diverting her sexual energy.

 

The next day he went there on his lunchbreak. He opens the door and is met immediately by a little Chinese man "Hewwo, how may I hep you?" "I'm going out of town next week, and I don't trust my wife by herself. What can you give me to occupy her while I am gone, so she doesn't find another man?"

 

The little man thinks a second, and then his face lights up,"Oh! I have perfect cure for woman who be horny!" He goes back through a beaded curtain, and returns a minute later with a dusty, gray shoe-like box, grinning from ear to ear. "This exactly what you need."

 

Hal looks at the box, so far unimpressed. The little man opens the box and moves over a bit into the light. Hal peers inside, and sees what looks like an ordinary dildo. "What's so special about that? I can get that anywhere," Hal says.

 

The little man's grin gets even bigger. "No, No, silly American, this Voodoo dick."

 

"Voodoo dick. What the hell is Voodoo dick?" Says Hal

 

"You watch closely," replies the little man, and then exclaims "Voodoo dick, the door!"

 

And to Hal's amazement, the dildo slowly levitates out of the box, and heads for the door. When it gets to the door, it lunges back and forth and back and forth at it, reducing it to splinters until nothing is left of it. It then returns to the box and floats gently inside.

 

After witnessing this, Hal, in total amazement, says, "I must have it! It's perfect! How much is it?"

 

"Two thousand dollar," says the little man.

 

"Two thousand! That's highway robbery!" says Hal.

 

"OK, Mr., if you no want..."

 

"No No, OK, I'll take it," concedes Hal.

 

"Good," says the little man. "Will that be cash or VISA?"

 

"Sheesh....." says Hal.

 

Hal gets home that evening, and his wife meets him at the door. "What's in the box?" asks Vanessa. "Oh nothing" says Hal.

 

"Please tell me. Please please please...."

 

"OK, it's for you, a special present." Hal says, and opens the box. Vanessa glances inside and sees the dildo. "Hal! I already have....oops, I mean, gee what is it?"

 

"It's a Voodoo dick! When I'm gone, and you get real horny, just open this box, and say 'Voodoo dick - my seafood.' and you'll be completely satisfied" Hal says.

 

"Hmmm....what will happen?" asks Vanessa

 

"You'll see....you'll see...."

 

Two days later, Hal's on his trip. Vanessa is getting real horny. She thinks, "Gee, that man that cleans pools for Hal might be interested...nah I'll try out this Voodoo dick thingamabob." She goes and gets the box, opens it up, and peers inside. She sets the box down, and gets undressed and sits back on the bed. She reaches part way into the box, and thinks for a moment, and draws her hand back out. "Voodoo dick! My seafood!" she says.

 

Voodoo dick floats out of the box, and heads right for her crotch. It gets to her, and enters her, lunging back and forth. She lays back on the bed, thinking that this is the most incredible thing she has ever seen, or *felt*. She has one orgasm, two, three, and it's still going. How does she get it to stop? Four...five...Oh gees, she thinks, I have to get this thing to stop.

 

She gets up, starts for the phone, then thinks. "Nah, I'll have to drive to the hospital, they'll know how to stop it."

 

She puts a dress on, gets the keys to her car, and heads out, all the while Voodoo dick is still going at her. She's in the car driving down the road, having her sixth, no seventh orgasm, trying to concentrate on the road. She looks in her mirror and sees flashing red and blue. "Oh .. A damn cop." She pulls over slowly.

 

The cop walks up to the car "Good evening, may I see your licence, proof of insurance, and registration please?"

 

"S-s-sure officer....it's r-r-r-right h-h-here" She hands it to him.

 

"Have you been drinking tonight lady?"

 

"N-n-n-no I haven't O-o-o-officer. I have to get t-t-to the h-h-hospital."

 

"Are you sick? What's the problem?" the cop says.

 

"I have a Voodoo dick in my seafood that won't come out."

 

"A WHAT?" the cop asks again.

 

"A Voodoo dick.....p-p-p-please..."

 

The cop thinks about it for a second. Now he's seen it all, he thinks.

 

He looks at her, and says, "VOODOO DICK MY butt!"

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