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good JOKE for ya...

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Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

 

 

 

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with. She thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

 

 

 

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

 

 

 

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"

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A woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing

with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you

have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

 

 

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't

care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the

breasts of an 18 year-old."

 

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56-year-old butt?"

 

"Your name never came up," she replied.

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A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.

 

Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise, is a martini kit.

 

When he asks why he's receiving a martini kit, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you're going to remember your martini kit. You're going to get it out and start making one and before you know it you're going to have somebody looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make a martini!'"

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1. At Lunch Time,

Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on

and point hair dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

 

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

 

3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, Ask If They

Want Fries with that.

 

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

 

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone

Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

 

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual

Favors."

 

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The

Prophecy."

 

8. Don't use any punctuation.

 

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

 

10. Ask People What . They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They

Answer.

 

11. Specify That Your Drive through Order Is "To Go."

 

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

 

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't rhyme.

 

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play

Tropical Sounds All Day.

 

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend

Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

 

16. Have Your Co workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name.

 

17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

 

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking

Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

 

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We

Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

 

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity......

 

20. Send This E mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..It's Called

therapy.

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Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drink."

 

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside

"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"Your blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

 

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

 

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

 

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

 

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."

Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

 

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

 

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

 

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

 

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

 

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

 

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

 

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

 

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

 

"Well," replied the man...

"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

 

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

 

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

 

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

 

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

 

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

 

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

 

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

 

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

 

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

 

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

 

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"YES SIR!!"

 

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

 

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "SCREW YOU SIR!!"

 

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

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=)

 

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drink."

 

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside

"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"Your blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

 

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

 

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

 

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

 

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."

Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

 

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

 

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

 

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

 

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

 

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

 

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

 

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

 

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

 

"Well," replied the man...

"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

 

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

 

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

 

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

 

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

 

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

 

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

 

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

 

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

 

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

 

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

 

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"YES SIR!!"

 

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

 

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "SCREW YOU SIR!!"

 

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

Please, no foul language. Thanks! AceGoober.

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". WITH A COWBOY"

 

Prior to her trip to Texas, Muffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bonafide rodeo, and have . with a real cowboy.

 

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"

 

“And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then₪jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

 

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have . with a real cowboy?"

 

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

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been reading some very funny jokes in this section...always good for a good laugh...keep those joking coming guys!

 

btw.....ace.....everytime i see your avitar, i crack up...lol

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Thanksgiving Divorce

:

: A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving

: and says,

: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I

: are divorcing; forty-five

: years of misery is enough.

:

: "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

:

: We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

: "We're sick of each other,

: and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago

: and tell her."

:

: Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like

: heck they're getting divorced,"

: she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and

: screams at her father,

: "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get

: there. I'm calling my brother back,

: and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU

: HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

:

: The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says,

: "they're coming for

: Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

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