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Medieval Chastity Belt

 

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

 

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

 

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

 

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

 

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

 

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

 

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

 

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

 

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

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Guest Blooz1

Hope his battery doesn't LEAK!

 

That's a great one...

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An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends

called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

 

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

 

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't

ring right way, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

 

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

 

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by . and moaning

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A drunk man

 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

 

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."

 

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

 

 

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.

 

 

One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the following: & quot; After digging as deep as 500 meters, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded those 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.

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Just goes to show that no matter how far you dig down in a buffalo field, you will still find ample amounts of BS.

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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took

up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed

itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

 

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5,

and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't

seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite

applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall

doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

 

Please help!

 

Thanks,

A Troubled User (SEE REPLY BELOW)

 

REPLY:

 

Dear Troubled User:

This is very common problem about which men are complaining. Many people

upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities

and Entertainment program.

 

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run

EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once

installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to

not allow this. Look in you Wife 1.0 manual under

Warnings-Alimony/Child-Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on

improving the situation. I suggest installing the back ground application "Yes

Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter

the command C:/APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE

command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great

program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

 

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook

It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the

system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to

improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I

recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

 

WARNING!!!

DO NOT, under any circumstance, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This

application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to

the operating system.

 

 

 

 

 

Hope you guys like this one, my wife did. I'm on wife 4.0 and have found a way to hack the program!

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