Official OCC Joke Thread

[Andrewr05]

Bwahaha, those were lame but I laughed pretty hard at some of them.

 

[Rokkaholik]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced. He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter paradise.

 

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

 

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

 

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.

 

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

 

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says "Make 'em all ugly again!"

[Rokkaholik]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat: I do NOT have a headache. I do NOT have a headache. I do NOT have a headache".

 

"Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone." "Well, that is wonderful," proclaims the husband.

 

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

 

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says "Don't move, I'll be right back".

 

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

 

His wife says "WOW! - that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

 

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "OH MY," she proclaims. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

 

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

 

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom. She sees him standing at the mirror and saying "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife".

[Rokkaholik]

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

 

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico." Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... the Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK?" Obama says "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

 

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

 

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

Edited July 4, 2011 by Rokkaholik

[Rokkaholik]

After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

 

One week later, A local newspaper in Texas reported the following: "After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Lubbock, TX, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."

[El_Capitan]

This guy was trying to sell this island, but no one ever wanted it for some reason. Most of the guys he tried to sell it to kept thinking he was gay, and all the gals he tried selling it to thought he was psycho. He couldn’t understand it, this was the most beautiful island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and the view was just spectacular! He spent every day and every night trying to sell it for 5 years until his wife thought he didn’t love her anymore and wanted a divorce. The guy felt miserable, he spent 5 years on this island away from his wife and now he had no reason to sell it anymore. He told her she could have the island, he would never be able to sell it anyways. At first, she thought it must have been a really horrible island because she never saw it before and her husband couldn’t sell it for half a decade. When she took a visit to the island to get her husband to sign the divorce papers, she looked upon the island and her breath stopped short. It was beautiful… beyond words, beautiful! She asked her husband what the name of it was. Her husband looked at her and said, “Isle of View.” She cried and tore up the divorce papers and the guy thought, damn, she’s crazy!

[Rokkaholik]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went "bang, bang". Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

 

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver". The doctor replied "My point exactly."

[Boinker]

 

[Rokkaholik]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

 

1. Cradle the cat in the crook of your left arm.

 

 

 

 

 

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth. Gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.

 

As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

 

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

 

 

 

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 

 

 

 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,

 

holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

 

 

 

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

 

Hold mouth shut and count to ten.

 

 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

 

 

 

 

 

Call spouse in from the garden.

 

 

 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,

 

holding front and rear paws.

 

 

 

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head

 

firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.

 

Slide pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

 

 

Get another pill from foil wrap.

 

Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.

 

Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth,

 

and set to one side for gluing later.

 

 

 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's

 

head just visible below spouse's armpit.

 

 

 

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil

 

and blow the pill down drinking straw.

 

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take the taste away.

 

Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm,

 

and remove blood from carpet with hydrogen peroxide.

 

 

 

 

 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

 

 

 

Get another pill.

 

Open another beer.

 

Place cat in cupboard.

 

Now close door on it's neck, leaving just the head showing.

 

Force it's mouth open with dessert spoon.

 

Shoot the pill down it's throat with a rubber band.

 

 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on its hinges.

 

Drink beer.

 

Fetch bottle of scotch.

 

Pour shot, drink.

 

 

 

Apply cold compress to cheek,

 

and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

 

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.

 

Toss back another shot.

 

Discard shredded tee-shirt, and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

 

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat

 

from the top of the tree across the road.

 

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

 

 

 

Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

 

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed,

 

tie the little bastard's front paws to it's rear paws with garden twine, and bind tightly to leg of dining table.

 

Push pill into mouth followed by a chunk of Albacore Tuna.

 

Hold it's head vertically and pour two pints of water down it's throat.

 

 

 

 

 

14. Consume remainder of scotch.

 

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.

 

Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye.

 

Call furniture shop to order new table.

 

 

 

15. Arrange for vet tech to medicate mutant cat from hell.

 

Call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

 

 

 

How To Give A Dog A Pill

 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

 

2. Toss it in the air.

[Rokkaholik]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cab driver if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees.

 

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cab driver tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

 

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money!"

 

"HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your Packer season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"

 

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?" The cab driver replies "I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

[Rokkaholik]

True Story – 2 Duck Hunters In Wisconsin!

 

Thought you might enjoy this!

 

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON

THE INCIDENT.

 

 

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin .

 

It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.

 

These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR

 

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

 

Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.

 

So........................out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

 

Our two Rocket Scientists.....................afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

 

They light the 40 second fuse; then,

 

With a mighty thrust,

 

They throw the stick of dynamite

As far away as possible.

 

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?

 

Let's talk about the dog:

 

A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.

 

You guessed it......................The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse........................ Just as it hits the ice.

 

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in

Their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at

The dog to stop.

 

The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

 

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The

Shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

 

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.

 

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!

 

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

 

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end..........................he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

 

Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

 

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving

The two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened'

Looks on their faces.

 

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use

Of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make

The first of those $560.00 a month payments.

 

The dog is okay....doing fine.

 

And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.......

[Rokkaholik]

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 

Here's what happened:

 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

 

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

 

I was equally outraged.

 

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

 

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

 

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

 

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

 

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

 

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

 

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

 

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

 

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

 

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

 

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

 

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

 

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

 

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

 

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

 

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

 

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

 

We were silent, absorbing this.

 

" So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

 

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

 

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

 

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

 

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

 

Two lizards: $140.

 

One cage: $50.

 

Trip to the vet: $30.

 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

 

Priceless!

 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

 

Lizards lay eggs!