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ALCOHOROSCOPES

If you have finished relating your birth signs to ANIMALS, BIRDS, FRUITS, COLOURS, NUMBERS and what not, here is something FAR MORE relevant. Based on your Sunsigns, Alcohoroscopes explains your expected behaviour AFTER YOU GET DRUNK!

 

ARIES: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you - so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

 

TAURUS: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-China-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaller- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, ER, gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

 

GEMINI: Gemini's can drink without changing their behaviour much - they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round - repetition is boring - and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

 

CANCER: Cancer is a comfort drinker - and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists - and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get 'tired and emotional' (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favourite Cancer. Even your second-favourite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavour vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

 

LEO: Leo likes to drink and dance - they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue - and perhaps not with the one what rung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expects a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

 

VIRGO: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure - but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked - but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, 'I'm going to drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight.' A toast to the sub genius IQ!

 

LIBRA: 'I'm jusht a social drinker,' slurs Libra, 'it's jusht that I'm so damn social?' Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favour of Good Libra (with Insta-Frienddevice set to 'on') or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with every man/woman in the room or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

 

SCORPIO: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them seethe sauce as something to savour in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything - especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

 

SAGITTARIUS: In vino veritas - and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else - like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

 

CAPRICORN: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty - no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who're you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook-up with a cute groupie.

 

AQUARIUS: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative - and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist). Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

 

PISCES: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -with Liz Taylor, Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and windup in bed together for days. The phrase 'addictive personality' can be read two ways, you know...

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An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant

his annual

tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man

wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant

my

tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a

garden

plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you

would

be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,

Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug

up

the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old

man

and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under

the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

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A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom!

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^^ hahahahahaha

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

 

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

 

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

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My Son's Moving Out Last night, my Son just walked into the living room and said,

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent out my room,

throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then sell my new car. Take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sister." Well, he didn't put it quite like that. What he actually said was... "Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign."

Edited by SpeedCrazy

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A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom!

priceless :lol: :lol:

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Trump Explains Obama Care

No one can sum it up better than Trump

Let me get this straight . . .

We're going to be "gifted" with a health care

plan we are forced to purchase and

fined if we don't,

Which purportedly covers at least

ten million more people,

without adding a single new doctor,

but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,

written by a committee whose chairman

says he doesn't understand it,

passed by a Congress that didn't read it but

exempted themselves from it,

and signed by a Dumbo President who smokes,

with funding administered by a treasury chief who

didn't pay his taxes,

for which we'll be taxed for four years before any

benefits take effect,

by a government which has

already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,

all to be overseen by a surgeon general

who is obese,

and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!

'What could possibly go wrong?'

 

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NSFW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go to youtube and search "Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats". Only watch this if you have a disgusting sense of humor.

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NSFW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go to youtube and search "Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats". Only watch this if you have a disgusting sense of humor.

I've seen better versions...but the punchline is still hilarious. :lol:

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I've seen better versions...but the punchline is still hilarious. :lol:

 

I like Gilbert's version because his voice and facial expression is hilarious lol. Which version should I go watch?

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Still in The Digital Dark Ages

 

(Tech Support Call)

 

Tech: "Thanks for calling [iSP]. I'm [name], how can I help you?"

Caller: "There's no light in my castle!"

Tech: *confused* "Uh....tell me a little more about the problem. Can you reach any websites?"

Caller: "NO! How can I get to a website with no light in my castle?!"

Tech: *still confused* "Could you explain...a little further?"

Caller: *becoming irate* "I've poked its belly button a bunch of times, but there's no light in my castle!"

Tech: *epiphany* "Oh! The power light on your desktop tower is not lit?"

Customer: "Tower, castle, whatever! How am I supposed to know all this technical stuff?!"

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I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, surely it’s not dangerous. He said it was distracting him.

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