good JOKE for ya...

[red930]

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten

to turn off the P.A. system. ''As soon as I clock off'' he

said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw

the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight

attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over

in the aisle.

 

A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to

hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''

[red930]

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is

none too experienced either.

 

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband

undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

 

"My darring, he says, "I know dis yo firs tyme and you berry fryten. I

pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - jus anyting you

want.

 

Whachou want?" he asks, trying to sound experienced.

 

He hopes this will impress his virgin bride.

 

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her

request.

 

She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I wan ... numba 69."

 

Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence. Eventually, in a puzzled tone

he asks,

 

"You want ... Beef wif Broccori?"

[centy]

www.engrish.com

[Kandoo]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

 

A nurse noticed his predicament.

 

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

 

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

 

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

 

Who would know if he touched them?

 

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

 

What a nice felling, he though!. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

 

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

 

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring

flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

 

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

 

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.!

 

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

 

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your Wii Wii is under your pillow."

 

MEN NEVER LIST

[centy]

lol

[3stars]

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be

sh*tting herself.

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when

I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

 

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

 

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "., I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the

obvious one was "Shout For Help".

 

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl

out of Cork.....

 

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

 

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner

and a loser at the same time.

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

 

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

 

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The

hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

 

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at The Warehouse.

 

 

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

 

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

 

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this

sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

[Spyvie]

A piece of string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer “Bartender, give me a beer” he says. The bartender replies, “we don’t serve your kind in here” The string is shocked, taken aback, he asks the bartender “what do you mean my kind” the bartender says “we don’t serve no strings in here, go somewhere else for your beer”

 

 

The string is feeling pretty rejected but he has an idea. He sneaks into the restroom and ties himself into a knot, then messes up his ends. He then walks back to the bar and repeats his original order… “Bartender give me a beer”

 

 

The bartender says, “Aren’t you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?”

 

 

 

The string replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot”

[cronocrash]

The string replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot”

 

fixed?

[Spyvie]

Ok, fixed

[cronocrash]

LoL that's a classic.

[Splave]

Two peanuts were walking in the park one was a salted.

[Kandoo]

Black Robbers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's

 

 

 

take on this: (This is a true story)

 

 

 

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman

 

 

 

won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.

 

 

 

She took a break from the slots for dinner

 

 

 

with her husband in the hotel dining room.

 

 

 

But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her

husband

and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

 

 

 

As she was about to walk into the elevator she

 

 

 

noticed two men already aboard.

 

 

 

Both were black. One of them was tall....very

 

 

 

tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze.

 

 

 

Her first thought was:

 

 

 

These two are going to rob me.

 

 

 

Her next thought was:

 

 

 

Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.

 

 

 

But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized

her.

 

 

 

She stood and stared at the two men.

 

 

 

She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed.

 

 

 

She hoped they didn't

 

 

 

read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was

thinking!!!

 

 

 

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all

too obvious now.

Her face was

 

 

 

flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so

 

 

 

with a mighty effort of will she picked up one

 

 

 

foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot

and was on the

elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly

and

 

 

 

faced the elevator doors as they closed.

 

 

 

a second went by, then another. Her fear increased! The

elevator didn't

move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm

trapped

and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration

poured from every

pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." she

automatically

did what she was told. The bucket of quarters flew upwards

as she threw

out her arms and collapsed on the elevator

 

 

 

floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money

and spare me,

she prayed.

 

 

 

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say

politely,"Ma'am,

if you'll just tell us

 

 

 

what floor you're going to, we'll push the

 

 

 

button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting

the words

out. He was trying mightily to hold in belly laugh. The

woman lifted her

head and looked up at the two men. They

 

 

 

reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her

feet. "When

I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average

sized one,

"I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our

floor I didn't

mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He

bit his

lip. It was

 

 

 

obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman

thought: My God,

what a spectacle

 

 

 

I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to

 

 

 

speak.. She wanted to blurt out an apology,

 

 

 

but words failed her. But what would she say to these two

 

 

 

respectable gentlemen for behaving as though

 

 

 

they were going to rob her? She didn't know what to say. The

three of them

gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

 

 

 

When the elevator arrived at her floor they

 

 

 

then insisted on walking her to her room. She

 

 

 

seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they

 

 

 

were afraid she might not make it down the

 

 

 

corridor. At her door they bid her a good

 

 

 

evening. As she slipped into her room she

 

 

 

could hear them roaring with laughter as they

 

 

 

walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off.

 

 

 

She pulled herself together and went

 

 

 

downstairs for dinner with her husband. The

next morning flowers were delivered to her

 

 

 

room - a dozen roses.

 

 

 

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

 

 

 

The card said:

 

 

 

"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in

 

 

 

years."

 

 

 

It was signed:

 

 

 

Eddie Murphy

 

 

 

Michael Jordan