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cpuz

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the reviewing of American history.

 

The teacher asked: who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" The teacher saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

 

Suzuki "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

 

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

 

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki

 

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

 

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

 

"Who said that?" she demanded.

 

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

 

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

 

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991."

 

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

 

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

 

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little .. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

 

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice,"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

 

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ., we're in BIG trouble!

 

...and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001."

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A shopper asks a clerk for help. "In what aisle can I find the Polish

sausage."

 

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

 

The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you

something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was

Italian?

 

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was

German?

 

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

 

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?

 

Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

 

The clerk replies, "Well, no!"

 

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did

you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot"

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This Comes From A Catholic Elementary School Test . Kids Were Asked Questions About The Old And New Testaments. The Following Statements About The Bible Were Written By Children. They Have Not Been Retouched Or Corrected. Incorrect Spelling Has Been Left In.

 

1. In The First Book Of The Bible, Guinessis. God Got Tired Of Creating The World So He Took The Sabbath Off.

2. Adam And Eve Were Created From An Apple Tree. Noah's Wife Was Joan Of Ark. Noah Built And Ark And The Animals Came On In Pears.

3. Lots Wife Was A Pillar Of Salt During The Day, But A Ball Of Fire During The Night.

4. The Jews Were A Proud People And Throughout History They Had Trouble With Unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Sampson Was A Strongman Who Let Himself Be Led Astray By A Jezebel Like Delilah.

6. Samson Slayed The Philistines With The Axe Of The Apostles.

7. Moses Led The Jews To The Red Sea Where They Made Unleavened Bread Which Is Bread Without Any Ingredients.

8, The Egyptians Were All Drowned In The Dessert. Afterwards, Moses Went Up To Mount Cyanide To Get The Ten Commandments.

9. The First Commandments Was When Eve Told Adam To Eat The Apple.

10. The Seventh Commandment Is Thou Shalt Not Admit Adultery.

11. Moses Died Before He Ever Reached Canada. Then Joshua Led The Hebrews In The Battle Of Geritol.

12. The Greatest Miricle In The Bible Is When Joshua Told His Son To Stand Still And He Obeyed Him.

13. David Was A Hebrew King Who Was Skilled At Playing The Liar. He Fought The Finkelsteins, A Race Of People Who Lived In Biblical Times.

14. Solomon, One Of Davids Sons, Had 300 Wives And 700 Porcupines.

15. When Mary Heard She Was The Mother Of Jesus, She Sang The Magna Carta.

16. When The Three Wise Guys From The East Side

Arrived They Found Jesus In The Manager.

17. Jesus Was Born Because Mary Had An Immaculate Contraption.

18. St. John The Blacksmith Dumped Water On His Head.

19. Jesus Enunciated The Golden Rule, Which Says To Do Unto Others Before They Do One To You. He Also Explained A Man Doth Not Live By Sweat Alone.

20. It Was A Miricle When Jesus Rose From The Dead And Managed To Get The Tombstone Off The Entrance.

21. The People Who Followed The Lord Were Called The 12 Decibels.

22. The Epistels Were The Wives Of The Apostles.

23. One Of The Oppossums Was St. Matthew Who Was Also A Taximan.

24. St. Paul Cavorted To Christianity, He Preached Holy Acrimony Which Is Another Name For Marraige.

25. Christians Have Only One Spouse. This Is Called Monotony.

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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

 

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

 

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

 

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether

 

"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

 

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

 

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

 

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

 

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

 

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

 

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

 

 

The women won.

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How to say “I love you” in 25 languages...

 

English: I Love You

 

 

 

Spanish: Te Amo

 

French: Je T’aime

 

German: lch Liebe Dich

 

Japanese: Ai . Imasu

 

 

 

Thai: Phom rak khun

 

 

 

Italian: Ti Amo

 

 

 

Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

 

 

 

Swedish: Jag Alskar

 

Alabama

Arkansas

Kansas

Oklahoma

Texas

North Carolina

South Carolina

Georgia

Tennessee

Idaho

Missouri

Mississippi

Montana

Louisiana

Virginia

West Virginia

Kentucky

parts of Florida:

 

 

 

 

 

Nice butt… Get in the truck :nod:

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She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks

 

> in and asks "What's for breakfast?" She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

 

>

 

>He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and

 

> they have .. Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

 

She says, "The egg timer's broken!"

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

These will make you smile and shake your head...

 

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

 

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way...Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

 

 

Be sure to check out # 10 - it takes the prize and # 3 is runner up.

 

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

 

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party If this helps.

 

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected . with a man I met that night. I do remember that the . was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

 

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heels in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

 

5. I have never had . with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

 

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

 

 

7. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... Well I don't have a clue.

 

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

 

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at

146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

 

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

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