3stars Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 how do you know your wifes dead? . is the same but the dishes pile up Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now! Before it's Too Late! As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
3stars Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I hope i die like my father, peacfully in my sleep not screeming in terror like his passengers Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks he is smarter than the Deputy, because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. Deputy says: "License and registration, please." Lawyer says: "What for?" Deputy says: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says: "I slowed down and no one was coming." Deputy says: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says: "What's the difference?" Deputy says: "The difference is: You have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says: "Exit your vehicle, sir." So the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Branjo Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Lmmfao !!!! @ Ace Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kandoo Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 PECANS IN THE CEMETERY On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kandoo Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, &Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable. They decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink. ! Patty had recently added some special legs to his barstools which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley entered the bar through the front door with Father McGinty for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Branjo Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Guy goes into a bar and there are about fifty guys screaming at the Bar staff who all are 21 year old blonde beautiful women. So he looks above the bar at the days specials and the sign reads: Cheese sandwich - $2.50 Bacon sandwich - $2.75 Chicken sandwich - $3.00 Handjob - $10.00 So after reading this he is abit confused and after a few mins one of these lovely women ask " can I help you" . So he points to the sign and says "do you actually do what it says there?" The blonde says "why yes we do", then he asks "do you yourself actually give the handjobs" She smiles and says with a sexy little smile "why yes I do" . The guy says "Ok well go and wash your hands cause I'd like a cheese sandwich" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoJo Risin' Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Two old men in their early nineties were best friends all their lives and were rabid hockey fans and had played amateur hockey together in their younger days. Sadly one of them suddenly fell deathly ill. His friend came to visit him on his deathbed to reminisce about old times, their friendship and hockey. The dying man’s friend asks, “When you die will you do me a favor? Let me know if there is hockey in Heaven.” The dying man said he would do it since they were such good friends. He then passed away. A couple days later the surviving friend hears his deceased friend’s voice as promised. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is hockey in Heaven.” The friend asked the voice, “What’s the bad news?” The voice answered, “You’re playing goalie on Wednesday.” Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobhere Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 http://www-personal.umich.edu/~afive/stuff...e%20Destiny.swf Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kandoo Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy ______________________________ OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime _____________________________ SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. _____________________________ GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. _____________________________ HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ______________________________ LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. ______________________________ PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. _____________________________ DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. _____________________________ HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 Today I bring you some very sad news... With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started..... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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