good JOKE for ya...

[ReelFiles]

People Really Said These Things In Court

 

 

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

 

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

 

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

 

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

 

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

 

Q: Did he kill you?

 

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

 

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

 

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

 

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[shatteredsteel]

 

An easy way to explain computers to a Nub...

 

 

AceGoobers long lost brother???

[Kandoo]

I ain't much for shopping,

Or for goin' into town

Except at cattle-shipping time,

I ain't too easily found.

 

But the day came when I had to go -

I left the kids with Ma.

But 'fore I left, she asked me,

"Would you pick me up a bra?"

 

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"

How tough could that job be?

An' I bent down and kissed her

An' said, "I'll be back by three."

 

Well, I done the things I needed,

But I started to regret

Ever offering to buy that thing -

I worked me up a sweat

 

 

 

I walked into the ladies shop

My hat pulled over my eyes,

I didn't want to take a chance

On bein' recognized.

 

I walked up to the sales clerk -

I didn't hem or haw -

I told that lady right straight out,

"I'm here to buy a bra."

 

From behind I heard some snickers,

So I turned around to see

Every woman in that store

Was a'gawkin' right at me!

 

"What kind would you be looking for?"

Well, I just scratched my head.

I'd only seen one kind before,

"Thought bras was bras," I said.

 

 

 

She gave me a disgusted look,

"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.

Follow me," I heard her say,

Like a dog, I tagged along.

 

She took me down this alley

Where bras was on display.

I thought my jaw would hit the floor

When I saw that lingerie.

 

They had all these different styles

That I'd never seen before

I thought I'd go plumb crazy

'fore I left that women's store.

 

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours

And bras that cross your heart.

There was bras that lift and separate,

And that was just the start.

 

 

 

They had bras that made you feel

Like you ain't wearing one at all,

And bras that you can train in

When you start off when you're small.

 

Well, I finally made my mind up -

Picked a black and lacy one -

I told the lady, "Bag it up,"

And figured I was done.

 

But then she asked me for the size

I didn't hesitate

I knew that measurement by heart,

"A six-and-seven-eighths."

 

"Six and seven eighths you say?

That really isn't right."

"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -

I measured them last night!"

 

 

 

I thought that she'd go into shock,

Musta took her by surprise

When I told her that my wife's bust

Was the same as my hat size.

 

"That's what I used to measure with,

I figured it was fair,

But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."

This drew another stare.

 

By now a crowd had gathered

And they all was crackin' up

When the lady asked to see my hat,

To measure for the cup.

 

When she finally had it figured,

I gave the gal her pay.

Then I turned to leave the store,

Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

 

 

 

My wife had heard the story

'fore I ever made it home.

She'd talked to fifteen women

Who called her on the phone.

 

She was still a-laughin'

But by then I didn't care.

Now she don't ask and I don't shop

For women's underwear.

[Kandoo]

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture

when

suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The

driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and

YSL tie,

leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

 

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,

will

you give me a calf?"

 

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his

peacefully

grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects

it

to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the

Internet,

where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix

on his

location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the

area in

an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital

photo in

Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in

Hamburg,

Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the

image

has been processed and the data stored.

 

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel

spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,

receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and

says, "You have

exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the

cowboy.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as

the

young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly

what

your business is, will you give my back my calf?"

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even

though

nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to

a

question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you

are;

and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

 

Now give me back my dog!!!

[shatteredsteel]

Now give me back my dog!!!

 

Classic

[CPDMF]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..........

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies,"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

 

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[Trevor]

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is dumbass cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

 

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.

[red930]

A young blonde woman was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

 

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

 

 

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. More incredibly, lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs!

 

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

 

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts, "DAMN IT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!?"

[Branjo]

lol good one ACE. reminded me of an old one.

 

At the height of the apartheid struggle in South Africa the pope visits the most dangerous parts of the country hopping to find a glimmer of humanity on which he can build on and convince people that blacks and whites can live together in peace and harmony.

 

Driving from town to town he see's nothing but contempt from man to his brother and begins to weep in his little glass pope mobile, when suddenly the road begins to follow along side a river and coming into view is a group of white men in some sort of comotion at the side of the river. "Stop !" he yells to the driver. As the pope is watching he see's 5 white men dragging a very affraid black guy from the river with a huge crocodile attached to one of his legs, they pull him on the river bank and begin furiously clubbing the crocodile to death until it releases the young man. The pope comes rushing over with tears in his eyes and begins blessing all the guys and saying how much he was lifted spiritually by the sheer bravery of these men in such a terrifying situation. After much blessing and flatery the pope goes on his way ready to apply new conviction to his fight against apartheid in South Africa.

 

As the popes vehicle drives off one of the white guys asks another "Who the hell was that?"

the other replies "Man that was the pope, the all knowing all seeing pope" the guy looks puzzuled for a few seconds and turns to the rest of the white guys and says,

"Maybe so, but he doesnt know . about crocodile fishing"

[soundx98]

Geez, I thought Fear Factor was tough on the body

 

http://www.glumbert.com/media/tonguetwister

[red930]

Q: What do older women have between their breasts that younger women don't?

 

A: Their belly button.

[Kilamon]

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson

University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it on

his Tonight Show. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

......

 

http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarrass/bothered.asp

 

Urban Legend...no one has come forward to claim responsibility and this one has a few variations.