good JOKE for ya...

[red930]

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

 

Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"

 

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

 

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

 

"A female horth."

 

So he shows him a prized filly.

 

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

 

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

 

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

 

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

 

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

 

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

 

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's netherworld, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

 

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

[charlie22911]

:shake: stop that please :shake:

 

wee dats nastie

 

 

:shake:

[Kilamon]

A History Lesson

 

In the 16th and 17th centuries, before commercial fertilizer was

invented, large shipments of manure were transported by ship.

It was shipped in dry bundles because in dry form it

weighed a lot less than when wet.

...

FYI, Untrue. http://www.snopes.com/language/acronyms/..asp

[Guest Tyler]

What do you call a four door Yugo?

 

A Wego.

[dr_bowtie]

Kilamon....

 

you just had to go an ruin it for us didn't you...

[soundx98]

my bad, I'll check with Kilamon and Snopes 1st before posting.

[Donski]

Computer Viruses ?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Titanic virus........................... Makes your whole computer go down

 

Disney virus.............................Everything in the computer goes Goofy

 

Mike Tyson virus......................Quits after one byte

 

Prozac virus...............Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

 

Sharon Stone virus............Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

 

Lorena Bobbit virus..................Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy

 

Tim Allen virus...........Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact

 

Woody Allen virus....................Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

 

Saddam Hussein virus..............Won't let you into any of your programs

 

Tonya Harding virus.................Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

 

George Michaels virus......Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup

 

X-files virus..................All your Icons start shape shifting

 

Spice Girl virus.........................Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

 

Ronald Reagan virus................Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

 

Oprah Winfrey virus.........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

 

AT&T virus............Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

 

MCI virus....Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

 

Jane Fonda Virus...........Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

 

Politically Correct Virus.......Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

 

Government Economist Virus.......Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

 

Federal Bureaucrat Virus.......Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all

of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

 

Adam and Eve Virus.......Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

 

Airline Virus........You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

 

LAPD Virus......It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

 

O.J. Virus.......It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the

virus that did it.

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus..Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back

[Donski]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

 

(A few days later)

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".....

[red930]

I run everything through the snopes filter before posting or forwarding and item.

 

These days you can't even trust wikipedia because they have so many bogus postings.

[PC1X1]

Good stuff, good stuff.

[MoJo Risin&#39]

Next time your child or someone who you may think is your child asks you IF SANTA REALLY EXISTS, here's what you tell them:

 

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of all religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

 

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

 

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

 

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3, 000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

 

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

 

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

 

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he doesn't now.

[Trevor]

Ok, that last paragraph really made me crack up!:shake: