good JOKE for ya...

[GH0S1_R33P0R]

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.

 

The note read:

 

Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

 

Love, Bobby

 

PS:The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.:eek2:

[joel_jsn]

Lol.

[AnUnknownSource]

haha, I'd like to know what happened next!

 

heres one:

 

What's the differene between a light bulb and a pregnant woma.... no wait everyone knows that one...

[red930]

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC.

 

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

 

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, darn, someone should go and tell his wife. "KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

 

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

 

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

 

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies."

 

That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

 

"Well, not exactly, KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow."

 

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."

 

Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

 

Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.

[boywander]

Came across this earlier...

 

SNAFU principle /sna'foo prin'si-pl/ /n./ [from a WWII Army acronym for `Situation Normal, All screwed Up']

"True communication is possible only between equals, because inferiors are more consistently rewarded for telling their superiors pleasant lies than for telling the truth." -- a central tenet of Discordianism, often invoked by hackers to explain why authoritarian hierarchies screw up so reliably and systematically. The effect of the SNAFU principle is a progressive disconnection of decision-makers from reality. This lightly adapted version of a fable dating back to the early 1960s illustrates the phenomenon perfectly:

 

In the beginning was the plan,

and then the specification;

And the plan was without form,

and the specification was void.

 

And darkness

was on the faces of the implementors thereof;

And they spake unto their leader,

saying:

"It is a crock of .,

and smells as of a sewer."

 

And the leader took pity on them,

and spoke to the project leader:

"It is a crock of excrement,

and none may abide the odor thereof."

 

And the project leader

spake unto his section head, saying:

"It is a container of excrement,

and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."

 

The section head then hurried to his department manager,

and informed him thus:

"It is a vessel of fertilizer,

and none may abide its strength."

 

The department manager carried these words

to his general manager,

and spoke unto him

saying:

"It containeth that which aideth the growth of plants,

and it is very strong."

 

And so it was that the general manager rejoiced

and delivered the good news unto the Vice President.

"It promoteth growth,

and it is very powerful."

 

The Vice President rushed to the President's side,

and joyously exclaimed:

"This powerful new software product

will promote the growth of the company!"

 

And the President looked upon the product,

and saw that it was very good.

 

After the subsequent and inevitable disaster, the suits protect themselves by saying "I was misinformed!", and the implementors are demoted or fired.

[red930]

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may

bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the

days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not

scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions,

of course.

 

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you

be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a

woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you

think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's

married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

 

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands

while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give

you a gesture you'll never forget.

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get

any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.

One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose

do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the

habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,

what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your

elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its .?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has

actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

[fmc_boss]

Putting this one in the jokes section kind of takes the edge off it, but it's fooled quite a few ppl at work;

 

If you prime them with some drivel about mobile phone tracking, they'll fall right in

 

http://www.sat-gps-locate.com

[red930]

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.

 

Another great Paul Lynde response.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is baby-talk appropriate in the bedroom?

A. Paul Lynde: As long as she doesn't say "itsy-bitsy". Then after the huge laughter dies down...

A. Paul Lynde: Or teeny-weeny.

[Guest drteming]

A young cowboy walks into a bar. He sees an old timer sitting on a stool, his arms folded across his chest, staring at a bowl of chili. The youngster pays him no mind and sits down next to him and orders a drink. Fifteen minutes later, the young cowboy looks over and the old guy hadn't moved an inch.

 

The young guy leans over and asks, "Hey old timer, if you aren't gonna eat that chili, 'mind if I do?"

 

The old timer replies, "Nope, go right ahead."

 

So the young buck starts in on the chili and as he got to the bottom of the bowl, he sees a dead mouse and promptly throws everything back up into the bowl.

 

The old man leans over and says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too."

[red930]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

He notices, however, that all the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

 

So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot and says, "I question this," pointing out that if someone made ven a small eror in the first copy it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

 

The head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archiveds in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

 

The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R'! We missed the 'R'!"

 

His forehead is all bloddy and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

 

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!!!"

[red930]

Two men drove to a gas station because they heard about a contest offered by the station to clients who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

 

"If you win, you're entitled to free .," explained the attendant.

 

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

 

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free .."

 

 

"OK... I guess 7," said the first man.

 

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

 

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

 

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free .."

 

"2," said the second man.

 

"Sorry, I was thinking of 4," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

 

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to his friend, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

 

"No, I'm sure it isn't," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

[taowulf]

So, the Lone Ranger is riding through the desert and gets captured by the Indians.

 

The Indian Chief says that he’s going to kill the Lone Ranger in 3 days, and grants him 3 requests.

 

The Chief asks “What is your first request?”

 

Lone Ranger answers “I need to speak to my horse.”

 

The Chief thinks this is strange, but grants him his request.

 

After they speak, the horse takes off.

 

The horse comes back a few hours later with a beautiful brunette. They go in the teepee and spend the night together.

 

The Chief says “Pretty smart horse you got there! But I’m still going to kill you in 2 days. What is your second request?”

 

L.R. says “I need to speak to my horse.”

 

Again the Chief grants him his request.

 

Again, the horse takes off. A few hours later, he brings back a beautiful redhead and they spend the night together.

 

“Pretty smart horse! But I’m still going to kill you in 1 day.”

 

“What is your 3rd request?”

 

“I need to speak to my horse alone”

 

“Ok”

 

So they go out in the field and the L.R. says to his horse: “You idiot, I said posse!”