good JOKE for ya...

[red930]

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

 

 

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

 

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice.".

[fmc_boss]

You'r on a roll here - i'm cracking up!! :shake:

[taowulf]

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

 

He answered, "I want to kill my wife."

 

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

 

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.

 

The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

[BlueOval]

A blonde goes to the doctor complaining of aches and pains. She says, "I hurt all over doc! Anything I touch just makes me want to cry." She touches her ankle and starts whimpering; she touches her knee and a tear runs down her face; she touches her hip and begins to cry; she touches her neck and breaks down blubbering.

 

The doctor gives her a thorough examination and sighs. "Am I g-going to d-d-die doc?" she wails. The doctor replies, "No, you just have a broken finger."

[BlueOval]

Q: What did one old boob say to the other?

A: If we don't get some support soon, they're going to think we're nuts!

[taowulf]

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

 

 

 

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

 

"Huey," was the reply.

 

"How's your day been, Huey?"

 

 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all

day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

 

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the

second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

 

 

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

 

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

 

 

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of

puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

 

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you

must be Louie?"

 

 

 

 

 

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

 

 

"My name is Puddles."

[red930]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

 

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

 

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

 

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

 

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

 

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 

Apparently I'm not having . tonight either.

[ReelFiles]

ROFL, that would be funny as hell.

[Coors]

I've heard that one before but it's still funny as hell lol

[Guest Blooz1]

That was a GREAT one, Ace!

[CPDMF]

I got nothing. I've been completely through my joke folder and my main source for joke of the day got fired for having obscene material on his computer at work. I felt kind of bad because it was stuff I sent until I found it was from over a month ago.

 

I found him a job with a friend of mine so I can keep the supply open..

[red930]

CPDMF, we'll keep you covered until then.

 

Let's start off with this one:

 

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%?

 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

 

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is

 

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

and

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is

 

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is

 

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B-U-L-L-grrrr is

 

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far butt kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is

 

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bull crap and butt kissing that will put you over the top.