good JOKE for ya...

[fariss]

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.

 

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you."

 

"I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

 

In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over,and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

 

"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room.

 

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

 

"No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jessie. The devil opened a third door.

 

Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled and said . . . . . "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[fariss]

And you ask why our insurance rates are so high?

 

 

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Lawsuit Awards."

 

The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Lawsuit Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, stupid, but successful lawsuits in the United States.

 

 

Here are this year's winners.......

 

5th Place (tie):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000, by a jury of her peers, after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owner of the store was understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's own son.

 

5th Place (tie):

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the car's hubcaps.

 

5th Place (tie):

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing, by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the home owner's insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion, this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd place!

 

4th Place:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than what Mr. Williams sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

 

3rd Place:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her tailbone. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

 

2nd Place:

Kara W alton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

 

1st Place:

This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other total morons around.

[fariss]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

 

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

 

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

 

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

 

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[fariss]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches

straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know,

I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a

job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your

timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a

very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and

bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll

supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,

meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort

her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to

satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a

two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting

salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says,

"You're bull craptin' me!"The Social Worker says,

"Yeah, well... You started it."

[fariss]

RECTUM STRETCHER

 

While she was flyin' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge

only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic

patronizing smirk we all know & love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

 

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

 

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

 

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

 

The cop stammered, "A what?............a rectum stretcher? And just what

does a rectum stretcher do?"

 

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up

to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work

from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but

surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

 

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot butthole?" he asked.

 

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 

Traffic Ticket..................... $95.00

Court Costs........................ $45.00

The look on Cop's Face....... PRICELESS?

[fariss]

Cowboy Boots

 

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy

boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he

buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife:

"Notice anything different about me?"

 

Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

 

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom,

undresses, and walks back into the room

completely naked except for the boots. Again,

he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything

different NOW?"

 

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down

yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again

tomorrow."

 

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY

IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope," she replies.

 

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S

LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!! !!"

To which Margaret replies........

 

 

 

"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.

[Guest Gir]

LOVE DRESS

A woman dropped in unannounced at her son's house.

Having knocked on the door she immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

 

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

 

"What are you doing?" he asked.

 

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"

 

ace posted this in post #1516 i do believe

[General Septem]

ace posted this in post #1516 i do believe

 

Who's the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him? :tooth:

[Guest Gir]

im a pretty big fool myself

[red930]

Abe and Ruth, are both well into their 80s. They go to a . therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" Abe says, "Will you watch us have .?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but she is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that she agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have .." The doctor thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye. The next week, however, the couple calls and asks the therapist to watch again. The . therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has . with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" Abe says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house. I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50 and Medicare pays $43 of the bill."

[CPDMF]

If you can't figure out why AMD is always losing out to Intel this will help that. It shows a little bit of AMD's marketing strategy and just how poorly the company is run.

 

 

[red930]

Idaho plates is that Travis's car lol :shake: