good JOKE for ya...

[fariss]

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, recently uncovered

records indicating that Hillary Rodham Clinton's great-great uncle, "Shifty"

Rodham, was hanged as a horse thief and train robbery in the Montana Territory

in 1889.

 

The only known photograph of "Shifty" Rodham shows him standing on the

gallows prior to being hung. The following information was hand written on the

back of that photograph: "Shifty" Rodham, horse thief, sent to M ontana

Territorial Prison 1885. Released 1887. Arrested by Pinkerton detectives while

trying to rob a Montana Railroad Company train in 1888. Convicted and hung in

1889."

 

Ms. Wallman forwarded these records and the photograph, along with a request

for her comments, to Hillary Clinton at her "Hilary for President" office.

Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters responded with the following

biographical outline:

 

"Shifty" Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business

empire grew to include the acquisition of valuable equestrian assets.

Additionally, he had close dealings with the Montana Railroad Company.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a

government facility. In 1887 he took leave to commence dealings with the

railroad. In 1886, he was a key player in an important investigation by the

renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency, which ultimately became the United States

Secret Service. In 1889, "Shifty" Rodham passed away when the platform, upon

which he had been standing, collapsed during an important civic function that

was being held in his honor."

[red930]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation

took place:

 

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out

fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every

room in the house next weekend.'

 

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would

build her a new deck for the pool.'

 

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I

would remodel the kitchen for her.'

 

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not

said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had

to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'

 

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 4:30 am. When it went off, I shut

off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Fishing or .?'

and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[CPDMF]

I need a woman that cares enough to make sure I stay protected from the sun..

[red930]

na she didn't care. she just didn't wont to baby his butt when he got Burnt:D He being gone for the day she can go window shopping And she got out of just laying there saying ARE YOU DONE YET lol

[red930]

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

 

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

 

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

 

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

 

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

 

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

 

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

 

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

 

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

[fariss]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The

mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two dummies."

"What? He had two dummies?" asked the mortician.

Yup, I never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two dummies. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two dummies."

[red930]

In light of the news of the so-called human cloning

being proposed, we have to ask ourselves the

hypothetical question. If you pushed your naked clone

off the top of a tall building, would it be:

 

A) murder,

B) suicide, or

C) merely making an obscene clone fall.

[CPDMF]

Since Ace put up such a weak butt joke, I can now use some of my lesser material.. LOL..

 

 

 

 

[red930]

"Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They

managed to bag 6.

 

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could

take only 4 moose.

 

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us

take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

 

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

 

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and

went down.

 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we

are?"

 

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[red930]

Ole Blue

 

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

 

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

 

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

 

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

 

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

 

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

 

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

 

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

 

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

 

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

 

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

 

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that S.O.B. before he talks to your mother!"

 

"I sure did, Dad!"

 

"That's my boy!"

 

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer...

[fariss]

A woodpecker from Hawaii and one from California were arguing about which

Place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole

In the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a

Tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like

To use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so

Accepted the challenge. After flying to California , the Hawaii woodpecker

Successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California

Woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker

Was able to peck the tree in California ,

But neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they came to the same conclusion . . .

 

 

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[red930]

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

 

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you get lucky and get a piece of butt that brings tears to your eyes.