good JOKE for ya...

[CPDMF]

I'm always happiest right after I pay them and they leave without saying a word..

[BlueOval]

*Disclaimer: Not sure if the following language is allowed on the boards, but read the last 10-15 jokes which used similar language...*

 

Heard this at work the other day...

 

A girl finds out that her boyfriend's been cheating on her, so one night while he's fast asleep she cuts his dick off and flings it out the window as hard as she can. Two guys happen to be driving past her house at the moment the dick comes flying out the window. It hits their windshield near the top and immediately flies over the roof and off the car.

 

"Holy .!" exclaims the driver, "Did you see that bug?!" "Yeah!" his passenger yells, "But did you see the cock on that thing?!"

[CPDMF]

Dammit, it took me 5 minutes to clean the coffee off my keyboard. That was funny.

 

I ran out of stuff I can post a while back. A " not easily offended thread" would be nice.

[fariss]

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

 

I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

 

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's

novena has granted my every wish.

 

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a wate r buffalo on a hot day

 

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans .

 

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will

blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.

 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

 

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, 190143265_2 style='CURSOR: hand; BORDER-BOTTOM: #0066cc 1px dashed; HEIGHT: 1em'>Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

 

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

 

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when i t bites my butt.

 

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a . molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

 

I can no longer drive my car because I can't

buy gas from certain gas companies!

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

[red930]

 

[General Septem]

 

 

It just isn't the same:

 

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y40/akai-...48799401103.gif (NSFW)

 

[BlueOval]

Q: What does an 80-yr old woman taste like when you go down on her?

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

A: Depends

[Coors]

A collection of jokes...

 

 

 

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was

sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of

his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the

airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be

seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the

meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he

had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do

you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to

hook up your telephone."

 

 

---

A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings: "Soldier,

can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" The

voice on the other end asked. "Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half

dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of

motorcycles, and fat-butt Johnson's command jeep." "Soldier? Do you know

who you are speaking to?" "No sir." "This is Major Johnson, your

commander!" "Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "Not

yet!" "That's good! Bye, Fat-butt!"

 

 

---

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were

chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk fell on

the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the

fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their

maneuverability, weaponry and the like The C-130 pilot replied

"Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only

dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just

watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level,

and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says,

"There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots

say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" He replies,

"Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back

an took a piss."

 

 

---

Q:How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

 

 

---

Q:What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot......

 

 

---

Q:What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.

 

 

---

3 Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of

tracks. The first marine said "Those are deer tracks." The second

marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third marine said "You're

both wrong, those are moose tracks." The marines were still arguing

when the train hit them.

 

 

---

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were

both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching

for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, Hey,

don't put that . on me! My wife will think I've been in a

whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put

it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells

like.

[radodrill]

Finally finished reading through all 80 pages :nod:

 

so here goes

======================================

 

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

 

 

 

 

 

 

3; 1 to eat and the other 2 to watch for traffic

[radodrill]

Redneck Engineering Exam

 

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

 

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

 

a. '66 Ford Fairlane

b. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle

c. '64 Pontiac GTO

 

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

 

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

 

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

 

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

 

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

 

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

 

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

 

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

[radodrill]

[radodrill]