good JOKE for ya...

[Guest LithoTech]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

 

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a

little beverage, good food and companionship.

She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

 

2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

 

3. I take my wife everywhere.....

but she keeps finding her way back.

 

 

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our

anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said

So I suggested the kitchen.

 

5. We always hold hands.

If I let go, she shops.

 

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric

bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

 

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because

there was water in the carburetor.

I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

 

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

 

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late

for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

 

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

 

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her

first name was Always.

 

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

 

13. The last fight was my fault though.

My wife asked "What's on the TV?"

I said "Dust!"

[deeselcyde]

Q: Whats so good about emo-pizza?

 

A: It cuts itself......

[ReelFiles]

Wtf ???

[red930]

Damn that dude is such a fairy, what thread is that quote from?

It's my original quote cribbed from Steward Mandel on CNN/SI

[shatteredsteel]

Polititians make great fertilizer, they're all full of s#!t!

[ReelFiles]

I know you didn't mean that Steward Mandel said: "He claims that prime95 is buggy and he won't use it? That'll go over like a lead turd in the forum."?

 

Am I correct in assuming you meant the Phrase "That'll go over like a lead turd"?

[red930]

I know you didn't mean that Steward Mandel said: "He claims that prime95 is buggy and he won't use it? That'll go over like a lead turd in the forum."?

 

Am I correct in assuming you meant the Phrase "That'll go over like a lead turd"?

 

Ah, I see! That's two different items you're referring too.

 

I though you just meant the Brady Quinn thing under the picture. LOL

 

The Lead Turd thing is from my Pawpaw. I was about six years old and some of my cousins tried to build a boat(pirouge actually http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirogue ) and it was just about complete crap. Pawpaw took one look at it and said, "that thing'll float bout as good as a Lead Turd".

 

The saying has been with me ever since.

[dr_bowtie]

Defenition of happiness...

 

Happiness= seeing your mother-in-laws face on a milk carton....

 

Once my mother-in-law told me to take out the trash...My reply was....get in the bag...

 

Sign on the garage read "Beware of dog"....my late uncle asked..."you got a dog?" no but I got a mother-in-law...

[ReelFiles]

Sounds like a cool memory, Roadie, thanks for the clarification

 

Have you seen "I Pity the Fool" on TVLand?

 

ON-TOPIC:

 

What's the best glue?

 

...

 

 

Semen, did you ever see a baby fall apart?

[ReelFiles]

Well, it's . ... that's right, .! . may just be the most functional word in the English language.

 

Consider: You can get .-faced, Be .-out-of-luck, Or have . for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your . together, find a place for your ., or be asked to . or get off the pot.

 

You can smoke ., buy ., sell ., lose ., find ., forget ., and tell others to eat ..

 

Some people know their ., while others can't tell the difference between . and shineola.

 

There are lucky crap, dumb crap, and crazy crap. There is bull ., horse ., and chicken ..

 

You can throw ., sling ., catch ., shoot the ., or duck when the . hits the fan.

 

You can give a . or serve . on a shingle.

 

You can find yourself in deep . or be happier than a pig in ..

 

Some days are colder than ., some days are hotter than ., and some days are just plain crappy.

 

Some music sounds like ., things can look like ., and there are times

when you feel like ..

 

You can have too much ., not enough ., the right ., the wrong . or a lot of weird ..

 

You can carry ., have a mountain of ., or find yourself up . creek without a paddle.

 

Sometimes everything you touch turns to . and other times you fall in a bucket of . and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

 

And remember, once you know your ., you don't need to know anything

else!

 

You could pass this along, if you give a .; or not do so if you don't give a .!

 

Well, ., it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a . and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of .. But, if you happened to catch a load of . from some .-head...........Well, . Happens!!!

 

 

From Wikepedia:

 

".... carries an encompassing variety of figurative meanings. Of these, perhaps the most common are generic expressions of displeasure (as in, .!), fear (Oh, .!), or surprise (Holy .!).

 

. denotes trouble, as in, I was in a lot of .; low quality, as in, That disk drive is . (see "piece of ." below); unpleasantness, as in, Those pants look like ., or This casserole tastes like .; or falsehood or insincerity, as in, Don't give me that ., or You're full of . or surprised anger Jim is totally going to flip a . when he sees that we wrecked his bike. The word bull crap also denotes false or insincere discourse. (Horseshit is roughly equivalent, while chickenshit means cowardly, batshit indicates a person is crazy, and going apeshit indicates a person is entering a state of unbridled rage.). Are you shitting me!? is a question sometimes given in response to an incredible assertion. An answer that reasserts the veracity of the claim is, I . you not.

 

. can also be used to establish superiority over another being. The most common phrase is "Eat .!" symbolizing the hatred toward the recipient. Some other personal word may be added such as "Eat my ." implying truly personal connotations.

 

. can also be used as a comparative noun; for instance, This show is funny . or This test is hard ., or That was stupid .. These three usages (with funny, hard, and stupid or another synonym of stupid) are heard most commonly in the United States. Note that . is both a positive and negative thing in these examples, . being apparently very funny (a positive thing) and in the second and third examples very hard (as in, difficult- a negative thing to be) or very stupid. Note also that in a phrase like this, the speaker doesn't include the term as before the comparison- saying that something is as funny as . would sound like a criticism to anyone reading the term (. not being a very funny thing to be), although if spoken could be understood along with the spirit it's said in. Using the as changes these phrases from a simple colloquialism to a literal statement.

 

. can comfortably stand in for the terms bad and nothing in many instances (Dinner was good, but the movie was .. You're all mad at me, but I didn't do .!). Many usages are idiomatic. The phrase, I don't give a . denotes indifference. I'm . out of luck usually refers to someone who is at the end of their wits or who has no remaining viable options. That little . shot me in the butt, suggests an individual of small rectitude. However, in such a nominative construction, crap (as in, That little crap shot me in the butt) is not accepted in vernacular English. Of further note is that little . is common as a term of opprobrium, while big . is unfamiliar, and that direct scatological appellations are rarely applied to females, for whom gender-specific terms such as classy lady or **** more readily accrue. (However, in Britain and Australia, the term **** is used to refer to men very much more frequently than to women)

 

The term piece of . is generally used to classify a product or service as being sufficiently below the writer's understanding of generally accepted quality standards to be of neglible and perhaps even negative value. The term piece of . has greater precision than . or crappy in that piece of . identifies the low quality of a specific component or output of a process without applying a derogatory slant to the entire process. For example, if one said "The inner city youth orchestra has been a remarkably successful intiative in that it has kept young people off the streets after school, and exposed them to culture and disclipline thereby improving their self esteem and future prospects. The fact that the orchestra's recent rendition of Tchaikofsky's Manfred Symphony in B minor was pretty much a piece of . should not in any way detract from this." The substitution of . or crappy for pretty much a piece of . would imply irony and would therefore undermine the strength of the statement.

 

In Get your . together! the word '.' may refer to some set of personal belongings or tools, or to one's wits, composure, or attention to the task at hand. He doesn't have his . together suggests he is failing rather broadly, with the onus laid to multiple personal shortcomings, rather than bad luck or outside forces. . can even be a plain, neuter pronoun for basically anything in vulgar speech. For instance, in There is some serious . going down . can easily be replaced by stuff with no real loss of meaning (the same goes for Get your . together! and the like).

 

"When the . hits the fan" is usually used to refer to a specific time of confrontation or trouble, which requires decisive action. This is often used in reference to combat situations and the action scenes in movies, but can also be used for everyday instances that one might be apprehensive about. "I don't want to be here when the . hits the fan!" indicates that the speaker is dreading this moment (which can be anything from an enemy attack to confronting an angry parent or friend). "He's the one to turn to when the . hits the fan." is an indication that the person being talked about is dependable and will not run from trouble or abandon their allies in tough situations. The concept of this phrase is simple enough, as the actual substance striking the rotating blades of a fan would cause a messy and unpleasant situation (much like being in the presence of a manure spreader). Whether or not this has actually happened, or if the concept is simply feasible enough for most people to imagine the result without needing it to be demonstrated, is unknown. Another example might be the saying ". rolls down hill" particularly illustrating, the consequences of putting your superiors in a bad position at work. There are a number of anecdotes and jokes about such situations, as the imagery of these situations is considered to be funny. This is generally tied-in with the concept that disgusting and messy substances spilled onto someone else are humorous.

 

While the most common uses of . are figurative, the unpleasant substance to which the term literally refers is seldom entirely absent, and thus most uses of . have some degree of pejoration. But this is far from a universal rule: In some styles of discourse, . can replace nearly any noun. In the sentence, "I bought a bunch of . at the store today", . is merely a casual intensification of the term, stuff. Similarly, Check that . out! connotes surprise at some sort of stuff or activity that could very well be pleasant. Give me a bite of that . implies a deliciousness notably absent from the literal substance. It's common for someone to refer to an unpleasant thing as hard . (You got a speeding ticket? Man, that's some hard .), but the phrase tough . is used as an unsympathetic way of saying too bad to whomever is having problems (You got arrested? Tough ., man!) or as a way of expressing to someone that they need to stop complaining about a negative thing that occurred to them and just deal with it (Billy: I got arrested because of you! Tommy: Tough ., dude, you knew you might get arrested when you chose to come with me.) Note that in this case, as in many cases with the term, tough . is often said as a way of pointing out someone's fault in his/her own current problem. To drug users, . almost always refers to a drug being discussed. This was a secret code in the early 60s, and though most people now understand phrases like "I bought some good . today, I can't wait to try it", the phrase is still common.

 

Perhaps the only constant connotation that . reliably carries is that the referent to which it applies holds some degree of emotional intensity for the speaker. Whether offense is taken at hearing the word varies greatly according to listener and situation, and is related to age and social class: elderly speakers and those of (or aspiring to) higher socioeconomic strata tend to use it more privately and selectively than younger and more blue-collar speakers. Moreover, in some colloquial speech, calling something or someone the . is laudatory. For instance, Dave's new car is the ., suggests that Dave's new car is very good, or very cool. This meaning is also essentially a substitution for the term stuff, but is also similar to the vernacular usage of bad to mean dangerous and deserving of respect. Crap is unknown in such locutions..."

 

• In parts of Canada, a ".-disturber" is a person who deliberately causes trouble or who is aggravating.
  
• A ". stirrer" is used to mean the same thing in the South London and North Kent areas of England, as well as in Australia.
  
• A "shitload" or a ".-ton" is a whole bunch of something, eg. "I have a shitload of laundry to do today" or "I have hardly any wine, but I have . tons of beer in the house".
  
• "Shitkickers" are large boots or cowboy boots, or the cowboy (particularly if the person wearing the cowboy boots does not actually herd cattle).
  
• A ".-kicking job" refers to low-paid blue-collar work, or an employee low in a company hierarchy, eg "no I am not a manager, I'm just a . kicker".
  
• ". in a bag and punch it" is a common colloquial phrase to indicate frustratation with a situation or question, eg "John has been arrested again", "Oh . in a bag and punch it"
  

[ReelFiles]

On second thought:

 

Why do they call it "taking a ." anyway? After all you're not taking it anywhere, you're leaving it. :confused:

[shatteredsteel]

@ReelFiles:

 

HOLY .!