good JOKE for ya...

[smolt]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

 

 

 

 

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

 

 

 

 

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.

 

 

 

 

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

 

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

 

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

 

 

Part two

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and

said, "Honey, 25 years

ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept

on a sofa bed and watched

a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep

every night with a hot 25

year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice

car, big bed and plasma

screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old

woman. It seems to me that

you are not holding up your side of things."

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to

go out and find a hot 25

year old blond, and she would make sure that I

would once again be living

in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping

on cheap sofa bed and

watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

[red930]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

 

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry.

 

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ......... smack his butt again!"

[red930]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a

problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one

thing."

 

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

 

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a

moment.

 

You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.I have

two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the

Bible.

 

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the

cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray

and worship,and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no

time."

 

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the

solution."

 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

 

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside

their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

 

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,

we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

 

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at

the other male parrot and exclaimed,"Put the beads away our

prayers have been answered."

[red930]

Brock and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. Brock says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Birmingham, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

 

They go in and Brock says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my Ferd pickup and..."

 

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Alabama, ain't ya?"

 

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Brock...."How come you knowed that?"

 

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

[Kandoo]

Subject: Speed Demon

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

 

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

 

 

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

[soundx98]

This billboard is curently up at LaSalle and Ontario in Minneapolis, Minnesota (the mini-Apple)

 

 

There is no wrath like a woman scourned. hehehe

[ReelFiles]

LMFAO, good for her, she should have rented a blimp to fly around his office.

[BlueOval]

Q: Why did the blonde have . with the Mexican for her English teacher?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A: Because he told her to do an essay......

[Guest Timmay]

This billboard is curently up at LaSalle and Ontario in Minneapolis, Minnesota (the mini-Apple)

 

 

There is no wrath like a woman scourned. hehehe

 

hmmm image not working here...

 

Edit: NM works now... took like 10 minutes to load

[red930]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

 

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

 

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

 

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer

 

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

 

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

 

(Scroll down)

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V

 

"MY ROLEX!"

[Guest LithoTech]

Speaking of arms and windows...

 

Q: Why do highway workers never rest their arms out the window of their worktruck in the morning?

 

 

A: Because then they would have nothing to do in the afternoon!

[red930]

HER DIARY

 

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

 

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

 

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

 

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T. V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed.

 

About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore and I wanted to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

 

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

 

HIS DIARY

 

Shot a 97 today... Can't putt for .. Got laid though!