good JOKE for ya...

[soundx98]

hehehe - the 1st remote control (Zenith) had a big thick cable that connected it to the TV (was impossible to lose it) that operated a fairly large motor inside the TV that "clunked" it through the channels (just the VHF 2-13, the UHF wasn't used). The cable was nice and thick and fairly stiff so many children, small animals, and slow moving adults had a tendancy to trip on it

 

The 2nd version (the Flashmatic) was cordless and used 4 photocells set in each corner of the TV and you aimed a small flashlight at it. Course depending on how the sun hit the screen it had a tendancy to start changing channels on it's own.

 

http://www.zenith.com/sub_about/about_remote.html

[red930]

We had a Zenith with the Space Command remote. My Dad bought it since my Mom was pregnant with my younger Brother.

 

That remote used tuned bars of aluminum to produce ultrasonic sounds when struck by a hammer. You had to push the button hard until it made a clicking sound. Until the day he died my Dad always called the remote the "clicker".

 

I think it reminded him of the sound makers they used at D-Day too.

[soundx98]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think,"It's better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." .........Babe Ruth

 

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with the fools in his life.........Ernest Hemingway

 

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline-it helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer..........Frank Zappa

 

When I read sbout the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.............Paul Hornung

 

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not..........H.L. Mencken

 

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!.........George Bernard Shaw

 

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy........Benjamin Franklin

 

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza...........Dave Barry

 

BEER:HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE . SINCE 3000 B.C...........W.C. Fields

 

Beer: Helping white guys dance since 1632......Anonymous

 

Remember "I" before "E", except in Bud weiser.............Professor Irwin Corey

 

To some, it's a six-pack; to me, it's a support group. Salvation in a can..........Leo Durocher

 

One night at CHEERS, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well, ya se, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brainh cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!

That's WHY you always feel much smarter after a few beers.

 

Gotta love the cliffmeister

[red930]

In addition:

 

"Beer. Helping ugly men and women get laid since it's inception." Unknown

[cpuz]

hey, just to let you guys know that I use some of your contributions to this thread to help cheer up my office staff. I and they thank you!

[HighwayAssassin]

There is a man stranded on an island. He has been shipwrecked for 2 months and has managed to survive, but with no human contact at all. One day, he finishes a little canoe he has been working on to travel to a nearby island.

 

When he gets there, he finds a BEAUTIFUL girl, also stranded herself for 2 moths. They kick up a conversation and become best friends right away. Turns out the girl used to be a model, before she got stranded.

 

Then one day the girl says to the guy "You know, I'm a woman and I have needs..." The guy says "say no more" and takes off her clothes and they have . all night.

 

The next day he comes back to the island to see the girl agian. They talk for a while and he says, "you know, im a man and i have needs too..." She says "say no more-" and begins undressing. The guy says "nononono! thats not what i mean! Here, put this on" and gives her a large sweater, some sunglasses and a baseball hat. She puts them all on and he says,

 

"DUDE! You will NEVER guess who I screwed last night!"

[vega27]

:shake: LMFAO! :shake:

[Frallan]

hey, just to let you guys know that I use some of your contributions to this thread to help cheer up my office staff. I and they thank you!

 

Me to - and the guys here :dog:

[Frallan]

"DUDE! You will NEVER guess who I screwed last night!"

 

I don't kiss and tell - but I guess that ain't so common huh?

 

Just your ordinay :dog:

[cal50]

A guy walks into a bar-

 

 

...with his pet monkey and orders a drink . While he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

 

The guy says, "No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

 

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

 

"Now what?" asks the patron.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[soundx98]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

 

***************************************************

 

 

 

1. She is not a "BABE "or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

 

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

 

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

 

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

 

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

 

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

 

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

 

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

 

9. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

 

10. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS: - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

 

11. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER.

 

 

 

 

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

 

*************************************************

 

 

 

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

 

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

 

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

 

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

 

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

 

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

 

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL butt" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

 

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

 

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATION-SHIP CHALLENGED."

 

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

 

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

[red930]

₪ A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea."₪ Kids were

asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences.₪ Teachers got together

to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and

some that were sad.₪ Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and

8 years:

 

₪ This is a picture of an octopus.₪ It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

 

₪ Whales are animals, not fish.₪ If they don't get air they can drown, like my

brother did last summer. (David age 7)

 

₪ Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

 

₪ If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island.₪ If you don't have sea all

around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

 

₪ I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson.₪ She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

 

₪ A dolphin breaths through an butthole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6)

 

₪ My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie

age 6)

 

₪ When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.

Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind

come.₪ My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

 

₪ I like mermaids.₪ They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.₪ How do

mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)

 

₪ I'm not going to write about the sea.₪ My baby brother is always screaming and

being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got

pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 8)

 

₪ Some fish are dangerous.₪ Jelly fish can sting.₪ Electric eels can give you a

shock.₪ They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug

themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

 

₪ My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)

 

₪ When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.

(Kevin age 6)

 

₪ A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen

inside. (Emma age 8)

 

₪ When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors.

(Valerie age 6)

 

₪ On holiday my Mom went water skiing.₪ She fell off when she was going very

fast.₪ She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie

age 7)