good JOKE for ya...

[cpuz]

i like that one cal!

[Frallan]

Father Mark Sheffler told that joke to the Alter Boys on the bus ride to one of our field trips back in the 70's. He was taking us to see American Grafitti or Blazing Saddles. Father Mark was very cool!

 

With priests like that I might have turned out religious

[cpuz]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

 

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

 

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

 

"I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

 

A buxom young blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[cal50]

Nice one Z!-

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

 

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[Trevor]

Nice one Z!-

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

 

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

 

That ones good! :shake: :nod:

[soundx98]

Cow Economics

 

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.

 

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

 

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

 

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,

milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

 

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd

one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are

surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the

analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

 

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

 

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary

cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

 

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, have blue eyes, drink

lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

 

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.

 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

 

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows inAfghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find

alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

 

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

 

KENTUCKY CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

 

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one

you think is the best-looking cow.

 

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

[red930]

LMAO!!!! Haven't heard that one in a while.

[vega27]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread-on the very top shelf, he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is your's raisin, too?"

"Nope," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin!"

[soundx98]

9 Things People Say that Piz Me Off

 

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

 

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

 

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

 

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

 

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

 

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

 

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

 

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

 

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[cal50]

People that wait for a close parking spot at the gym. You came to work out so WALK A LITTLE!

[cpuz]

People that wait for a close parking spot at the gym. You came to work out so WALK A LITTLE!

OMG, cal, you hit the nail on the head w/ that one. Here's one for ya: at the gym i belong to, there is a form you can fill out to nominate "member of the month" the prize is the parking space right next to the door/entrance to the club!

 

I bumped into the most recent member/winner last week and joked w/ him:

 

z= cpuz

m = member

 

z= hey there, m, i see you won the "member of the month" award!

 

m= yep, that'd be me.

 

z= gee, i did not realize that the club would figure parking closer would be the prize. you would think they would award you the space way down the hill so you could get the exercise, afterall, that is why you are the "member of the month"!?! right?

 

m = i never thought about that!

 

(Edit: z would have kept that comment to himself if m was bigger than z). lol.

[cpuz]

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

 

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

 

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

 

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

 

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

 

 

these are EXTREMELY funny! LOL! ty

 

Carl, you and I remember the days when there was NO such thing as #2 above, lol.