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cpuz

good JOKE for ya...

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A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,

looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 lb. Left testicle, 3 lb. Right testicle, Turner Brown.”

 

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. This big dude kneels down & brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, “What’s wrong with you?”

 

In a very weak voice, the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?” The big dude says, “I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 lb. left testicle, 3lb. right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.”

 

The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around.”

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A Chinese man had 3 daughters: he asked his eldest daughter what kind of a man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", replied the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry. The youngest daughter said "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground!"

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How did Helen Keller burn the right side of her face?

 

She answered the iron!

 

How did she burn the other side?

 

They called back!

 

Terrible and old but still one of my alltime favorites

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I just watched the Leroy clip. ROFLMAO.

 

Some years ago, after some beers, we would do the same thing (Diablo II)however 1/1000th of the preparation (and seriousness) and all muttering nonsense picked up from Beavis and Butthead (TP for my bung hole,,,,,sort of stuff), We all died but we pissed ourselves laughing in the process..

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At The Zoo

 

It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress,sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips,wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even

more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings

her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"

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on the same topic.

 

 

one day this man came home from drinking at 3am. he woke his girlfriend up and started putting aspirin in her mouth. she said what is this aspirin for ....he said for the headache your about to say you have. :nod:

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This was given to me by my adminstrator, thanks Eileen! :

 

Brain Cramps

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

 

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

 

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

 

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.

 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

 

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --

A congressional candidate in Texas.

 

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --

Al Gore, Vice President

 

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --

Dan Quayle

 

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --

George Bush, US President

 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:

Just how much clean air do we really need?" --

Lee Iacocca

 

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

 

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

 

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --

Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

 

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

-- Bill Clinton, President

 

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

 

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

 

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

 

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Guest ballista

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, Well, you see that 3-pack? Thats for when youre in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asks his father, Whats the 6-pack for?

 

The father replies, Well, thats for when youre in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

 

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, Well, thats for when youre married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....

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A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, Well, you see that 3-pack? Thats for when youre in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asks his father, Whats the 6-pack for?

 

The father replies, Well, thats for when youre in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

 

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, Well, thats for when youre married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....

 

then when you've been together for 10 or more years, its more like the one pack, 1 for sometime in 2005, 1 for sometime in 2006,...etc. heh.

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