Eating Disorder?

[ClayMeow]

Sorry this is so long....it's just really tough to put all i feel right now into words. So i bolded what I thought were the key points if u don't want to read the whole thing

 

Okay, so I have this friend (who i work with) who eats practically nothing. I always try to get her to eat...sometimes she'll listen, but probably only when she already had the idea to eat to begin with.

 

She claims she's fat, which she's not. Her body's perfect. A couple of friends made some jokes about her weight, but of course, her being in the state she is, didn't see them as jokes, and that just made things worse. I've been friends with her for a year, and always knew she was like this, but didn't think it was a real problem until what I've learned over the last few days.

 

For one, she apparently weighs herself 3 times a day. She claims for her height (5'1"), she should be 110lbs. I told her that's ridiculous because if she weighs above the average, then whatever she's looking at is obviously wrong. She's not rail-thin, but she's definitely thin, not overweight. I tried looking up some height-weight charts online and it's seems the range for women her age to be considered "ideal bodyweight" is 105-140...there is NO way she's 140....i'm barely that (yeah, i'm underweight, i know, but that's just because of high metabolism, i eat constantly). So she doesn't eat because she doesn't want to gain a pound. She also claims she gains weight when she works out, so she doesn't do that very often either.

 

My real concern came last night. We went out drinking. Since she's a lightweight, I'm always concerned for her (she passed out at my house party a few months ago). Last night she had a cranberry vodka and then 4 shots. After the 4th shot, she said she had to go to the bathroom. After a little while, our two female friends went in after to check on her. When she came out, she said she vomitted, but was fine. She wanted another shot. I made her drink water. Oh, I forgot to mention there were nachos there. She wouldn't eat many though. She had like 2 or 3 after i kept on pushing her to eat something. (after she ate the first one, and she wouldn't eat another one, she told me to ask our other friend about how bad they were. So i asked him, "nachos are good, right? she should be eating them"...and he's like, "actually they're really bad for you. a lot of fat." God, what a f'n idiot. He's the major problem here. He's the one that jokingly said to her a few weeks ago when she was leaning on my friend something to the effect that she'll break her shoulder by leaning on her....i dunno)

 

Anyways, so after much bugging to get another drink, i said, "only if u finish your water"....she gulped it down, so i was forced to oblige. She was fine though. Later that night, when it was just her and I walking to the train station, I still being concerned asked how she was. She's like "i told you, shots I can do, no problem," so i'm like, "didn't you throw up?" and she's like, "yeah, but I forced myself too" She later said something like she had to get rid of the 3 nachos she ate. So i'm like "that's even worse! I'd rather it have been because you drank too much." and she said something along the lines that I shouldn't worry because she's done it before.

 

So now I'm really concerned. Like I said, she doesn't look anorexic/bulemic, her body is practically perfect. If she's so concerned about her body image because she doesn't have a boyfriend, the reason she doesn't have one is not because of her body, it's because of her personality/mentality. She's usually somewhat depressed, or at least hates life. When I questioned something awhile ago, she said something to the effect that if i think she's depressed now, i should have seen her in high school. I'm not concerned about suicide though, I know she wouldn't do that, but her eating habits...or lack there of...is a major concern of mine.

 

So I dunno what I should do. I've spoken to her about it before, though that was before I had all this additional info. I've told her body is perfect and she should eat and all that. She also loves (like many girls do) to twist my words around and find the slightest negative fault in anything i say. Like yesterday when i basically told her that if she thinks she's overweight, it's in her mind, so she has a psychological problem, not a physical one. She proceeded to say "way to kick me when i'm down." So yeah, I can't win with this girl. Also, a few of our friends think we'd be "perfect together" and thus that makes me complimenting her more difficult because she's uncomfortable and doesn't want to give me or anyone else the wrong idea about our relationship. And to make matters more difficult, this friday is my last day at the job, so although we'll still talk and hang out, i won't see her or talk to her nearly as often.

 

I think of her as my little sister (she's a year younger) and she knows that, and thus she said she expects me to protect her, but how can i when she doesn't trust me or take anything i say seriously? So what should i do?

 

THANKS!

[cdoggown]

I really see no way of you getting through to her so you should probably tell someone with a little more ability to convince her. Her parents, or something. Then you should beat your friend's butt for saying she is overweight and not being quick enough on the uptake to help you out.

 

Tough situation, but like I said, I dont see many alternatives. It may ruin your relationship with her until she sees that you were, indeed, protecting her, but in the long run even if she doesnt say it directly, she will thank you for it.

 

 

 

PS - Nachos dont mess with me. I will eat any nacho, big, small, round, triangular, doesnt matter. I dont f around when it comes to nachos.

[swifty11212]

your gonna have to get really close to her, emotionally and try to convince her. ask her if she can eat something for one day and not vomit and weigh herself. or tell her she is too ambitious of her body and that light excersise burns off fat.

[Phil]

I seriously doubt that there is anything you can do other than try to get her to seek professional help. Eating disorders are really scary and need the best treatment available IMO.

[cdoggown]

your gonna have to get really close to her, emotionally and try to convince her. ask her if she can eat something for one day and not vomit and weigh herself. or tell her she is too ambitious of her body and that light excersise burns off fat.

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I dont think that will work. She obviously pushes him away and at the same time is using it to keep him around to try and "protect" her. She is either too sick and he needs to tell someone, or she is playing games. Either way he will find out if he gets some help and forces her (intervention?) to listen.

[ClayMeow]

i see what you guys are saying. Going to her parents won't help any. She doesn't particularly like her family. I think she'd hold what I say closer to heart than what they say. I'll try to get some alone time with her and talk to her, but it'll be tough as we both have some busy schedules coming up. WE have a halloween party this weekend. I'm probably driving her...i'll have to try and push that and make sure i don't have to take anyone else. But i gotta be careful. It's more important I make sure i'm the one driving her home after, because I can't bring it up beforehand, as that'd make the party suck for both of us. I'm also going to a hockey game with her next month, but again, i don't want to ruin the evening....but if i have to do it, i have to do it.

 

I guess you're right, cdog...i can't fear messing up our relationship, that's too selfish. i need to just do what i think's best for her, and hope she understands eventually :/

[oblivescence]

i would seriously recommend convincing her to go to counseling if you think she is bulemic, sounds like it to me, but im no professional. and i would also recommend not trying to help her by yourself, dont know if you planned to try, but dont. seriously. get her in some form of counseling. i am not saying dont be her friend. be her friend. but i have helped friends of mine in the past who cut themselves, and looking back, it was a huge mistake. one of my biggest. some of them were near suicidal, and i had no right as some untrained college kid to risk their life because i thought i could help them by myself. i will never do that again. they also refused to go to counseling. at first. eventually i got them in, with some help. and thats when i realized what risks i was taking. and how dangerous it can be. but i would seriously recommend not giving up on recommending counseling when she refuses, because she will the first several times. even if you have to resort to trickery. its for her own good.

 

good luck man.

 

ill pray for ya, (no offense intended to anyone if your offended)

i know what this can be like, it can be rough

[hardnrg]

wow... you really care a lot about her eh clay...

 

i saw a documentary on some ex-bolemic woman and she had to take loads of meds to stop infections in her throat because all the stomach acid had stripped her aesophagus (sp?) and she couldn't taste much either... her stomach muscles were messed up, and her digestive system...

 

anorexia's not as bad because as long as they're eating something and getting some kinda nutrients, then it's kinda just like an intense diet... bolemia IS serious though and is very detrimental to the health in the long run...

 

i'd maybe call around a few clinics or w/e and get some business cards and maybe hand them to her to consider talking to someone or dropping into somewhere to find out about things...

[IUMaestro]

i say go with professional help if she rejects your advice or doesn't take it to heart.

 

 

it's always a crappy situation to be a friend who has to risk the relationship to step up and help when it's needed...

 

i had a friend who was an alcoholic, she'd been drinking ALL the time since like 15/16 (crappy parents) and would not be able to go like 2 hours without sneaking some shots in public, school, work, whatever.

 

she was 20. after SO much effort went in to helping her, even babysitting pretty much, cause she wasn't ever herself, i called the cops, busted her for underage drinking and of course, no sentence except rehab.. it worked, she's alot better now, we're good friends.

 

but she was PIIISSSSEEEDDDDD at me for a while. now she thanks me.

[ClayMeow]

thanks guys.

 

kamikaze, i know what you mean. I think i get pulled towards all these girls with issues. The only girl I truly ever loved used to be suicidal (before I met her, though she was still depressed and hung around me for awhile when we first met), and I had a good friend slit her wrists and arms after leaving a party at my house, almost kiling herself, so I definitely know what you mean.

 

This is what I just emailed the guy that said that . about the nachos:

 

"I just wanted to tell you, while I remember, to stop

saying . to you-know-who about her weight, or what

she eats or anything, whether you're joking or not.

She said some stuff to me in private yesterday, and

I'm really concerned for her. I know she's not

bone-thing so it doesn't look like she has an eating

disorder, but i'm pretty sure she does. I don't want

to get into details right now, I need to figure out

what I want to do about it, but just watch what you

say to her. I was really pissed at you for saying

Nachos are fatty. I don't care if they are. If

you're concerned about what you eat, fine, but don't

tell her that. Even if she asks you, tell her she can

eat what she wants. Lie to her, I don't care, it's

for her own well-being. Her weight should be none of

your concern, her health should be, and she's not

being healthy.

 

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm yelling at you, I

don't mean it to be like that. I'm just concerned for

her, and now that I'm leaving, I can't watch over her

and I'm afraid you people are going to screw her up

worse than she already is. I know that whole leaning

on **** thing was a joke, but to her, who has an issue

with her body image, she doesn't see it like that, and

no matter how much you tell her it's a joke, or you

didn't mean it, or whatever, it'll still be in the

back of her mind and support her belief she's fat.

 

she's got a skewed sense of reality, please don't

perpetuate that further. okay, that's the end of my

rant. Hope you're enjoying your day, whether you're

at work, home, the beach, or wherever else ;)"

 

I also sent him and this other girl an email telling them not to offer rides home to her on Saturday from the party so i can do it and get to talk to her. The girl i didn't tell why, i just said she told me some things and it's important i talk to her, so i hope she listens....i don't want to get everyone else all nervous and concerned though. Like I said, she doesn't LOOK like she has a disorder, and if she does have one, it's only a mild one. I'd say it's a combo between anorexia and bulemia. She said she's forced herself to vomit before, but i know for a fact she doesn't do that all the time. I guess I just want to make sure before I jump the gun and force help on her. Normally I know you'd say it's better not to wait, but she's not at a harming-her-body state or anything where even a few months won't do any permanent harm. I just really care for her, maybe too much so.

Edited October 19, 2005 by ClayMeow

[cdoggown]

I'm afraid you people are going to screw her up

worse than she already is. 

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What do you mean "you people"

 

 

 

 

 

 

j/k, good luck

[ClayMeow]

What do you mean "you people" 

j/k, good luck

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you're quoting the email i wrote to my friend

 

the "you people" in question are him and our coworker/friends