good JOKE for ya...

[red930]

1.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

2.) It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

• a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
  
• b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
  
• c. After wrecking your boss's car.
  
• d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
  
• e. When she is using her teeth.
  

3.) Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

 

4.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

5.) If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

 

6.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

7.) No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

 

8.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

 

09.) When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

10.) You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

 

11.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

 

12.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

13.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

14.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.....Ever. Issue closed.

 

15.) If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

16.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

17.) A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 

18.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

 

19.) If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

 

20.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's wthholding . pending your response.

 

21.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

• Yeah, Baby, Push it!
  
• C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
  
• Another set and we can hit the showers!
  

22.) Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing, i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

23.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have . with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

 

24.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey ., the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

 

25.) It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

 

26.) Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

 

27.) The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

 

28.) There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.....Ever!

[soundx98]

Tears from laughing so hard.

[smolt]

HaHaHa good one ACE

[R3aper]

nice ace i got a really good one

 

why are hurricanes named after women?

 

when they arrive they are wet and wild but when they leave they take your house and you car!

[smolt]

lmfao so true

[red930]

HaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!!!

 

Unfortunately, that is sort of true in my case. Last girlfriend took the computer I built (at the time $2100) and a $400 bracelet I bought her the day before.

nice ace i got a really good one

 

why are hurricanes named after women?

 

when they arrive they are wet and wild but when they leave they take your house and you car!

[smolt]

hell you got off easy lol. mine got the house the boat camper and truck the horses and all the horse . to go with it.I got all the bills and $1200 a month child support. makes me think real hard about what i wish for now lol

[soundx98]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

 

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

[Guest Gir]

HAVING A BAD DAY?

 

Just remember, it could be worse.....

 

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

 

2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

 

3. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

 

And finally...

 

4. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb he opened it and was blown to bits.

[soundx98]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

 

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

 

The man said, "I do Father."

 

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

 

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

 

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

 

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

 

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

 

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

 

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

 

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done t his several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

 

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

 

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

 

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

 

"Just water," says the priest.

 

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

 

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

 

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

 

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

 

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken ."

[Guest Gir]

U like making fun of us irish folks? J/K

[red930]

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

 

"Huey," was the reply.

 

"How's your day been, Huey?"

 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What

else could a duck want?" said Huey.

 

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,

"Hi,and what's your name?"

 

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

 

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

 

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day

myself. What else could a duck want?"

 

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

 

"My name is Puddles."