good JOKE for ya...

[fariss]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

 

I'm a whore," she says.

 

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

 

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

 

No, that still won't work. Try again."

 

They both think for a minute, and then the woman says,

 

"I'm an elite Chicken farmer."

 

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

 

Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

 

"Chicken farmer it is."

[fariss]

>>The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length

>>looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,

>>middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am,

>>may I have that seat?"

>>The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans

>>are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

>>

>>The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under

>>that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

>>She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

>>This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,

>>tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

>>

>>The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be

>>put in his place!"

>>

>>An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often

>>seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in

>>the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And

>>now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong classy lady out the window.

[fariss]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their

lives.

 

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our

lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one

favor: When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's

women's softball there.'

 

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, 'Barb, you've been my best

friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor

for you.' Shortly after, Rose passed on.

 

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound

sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to

her, 'Barb, Barb'

 

'Who is it?' asked Barb sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

 

'Barb, it's me - Rose.'

 

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

 

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose', insisted the voice.

 

'Rose! Where are you?'

 

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little

bad news.'

 

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

 

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven.

Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too.

Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always

springtime, and it never rains or snows. Best of all, we can play

softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

 

'That's fantastic,' said Barb.... 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So

what's the bad news?'

 

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

[fariss]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the

appropriate

point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a

password.

Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous

mood and

figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's

attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he

made it

plainly obvious to his wife what he was thinking as he keyed in . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.....

 

 

 

E.....

 

 

 

N.....

 

 

 

I.....

 

 

 

S.....

 

 

 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

 

 

 

PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

[fariss]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest

of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the

night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best

toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your

toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting

in church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on

the street corner.

 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the

other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by

the ears to make him come."

[soundx98]

We are in trouble...

 

 

 

The population of this country is 300 million.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

160 million are retired.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are 85 million in school.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama

 

Bin-Laden.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city

 

Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That leaves just two people to do the work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You and me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And there you are,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sitting on your butt,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At your computer, reading jokes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nice. Real nice.

[dr_bowtie]

Letter from the desk of dr_bowtie

 

To: Soundx98 a.k.a. Old Faught...

 

 

Dear Carl;

 

it has come to my attention that during the 2009 year the government is going to start killing the Mentally Challenged people of the world to make way for new children of tommorrow....

 

the only thing that crossed my mind is....

 

 

Run little buddy run....

 

your friend doc....

[fariss]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

 

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

 

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

 

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

 

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[fariss]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

[fariss]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

[fariss]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows

Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's . drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to menuntil they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[kitfit1]

My Living Will

 

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

 

So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

 

She's such a classy lady.....