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@ General Septem:

LOL

 

EVER WONDER????

Why are the places you sit in a stadium called stands?

 

Why is it that we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

You have a hot water heater, but you can't heat hot water.

 

Cargo goes by ship, a shipment goes by truck. You have a pair of panties but just one bra. :D

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Bubba and Ray (West Virginia mechanical engineers) were standing at the base

of a flagpole, looking up.

 

A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find

the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the

pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement,

announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

 

Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

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The 1st Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

 

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

 

The 2nd Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door."Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

 

 

The 3th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a

nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

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Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

 

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

 

In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

 

telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister be glad to help her,

then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

 

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

 

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

 

"comfortable?"

 

My Love: The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it

very slowly...........com-for-da-bull

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The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league.

 

So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.

 

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.

 

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first

 

 

 

time we

 

> had . together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where

 

> you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you".

 

>

 

> Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

 

>

 

>

 

> Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do

 

> it for old times sake?"

 

>

 

>

 

> Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy! , but very good idea!

 

>

 

>

 

> There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,

 

> and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see

 

>

 

> these two old-timers having . against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on

 

> them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

 

>

 

>

 

> They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by

 

> walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tave! rn and make their

 

> way to the fence.

 

>

 

>

 

> The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

 

>

 

>

 

> As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

 

>

 

>

 

> Suddenly they erupt into the most furious . that the watching policeman

 

> has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both

 

> collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.

 

>

 

>

 

> He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

 

>

 

>

 

> After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple

 

> struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

 

>

 

>

 

> The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing.

 

>

 

>

 

> I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

> As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something

 

> else. You must have had a fantastic . life together. Is there some

 

 

 

sort of

 

> secret to this?"

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

> The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

>

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1. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.

2. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate . in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

13. Definition of a teen-ager? God's punishment for enjoying ..

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping". Now I just "chunky dunk".

17. The early bird still has to eat worms.

18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

23. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

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Guest Blooz1

I have 72 Questions on the 72 Virgins that Muslims are rewarded with in heaven if they die in holy war. Could you please answer these questions for me?

 

 

 

1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?

2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?

3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?

4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?

5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?

6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?

7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?

8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?

9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?

10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to do with him?

11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?

12) Is there an age of consent?

13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they "born again"?

14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?

15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?

16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not satisfied?

17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?

18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?

19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?

20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?

21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?

22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?

23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?

24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?

25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?

26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?

27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?

28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?

29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn't go off?

30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?

31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?

32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?

33) If so, are there 72 available?

34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?

35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?

36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?

37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?

38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?

39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?

40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?

41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?

42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?

43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?

44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?

45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?

46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?

47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me look fat?"

48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?

49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?

50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?

51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?

52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?

53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?

54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?

55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?

56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?

57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?

58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?

59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?

60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?

61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?

62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?

63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?

64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?

65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?

66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the bomber together again?

67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?

68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?

69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?

70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?

71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?

72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?

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Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*

*Eisenhower has joined the game.*

*paTTon has joined the game.*

*Churchill has joined the game.*

*benny-tow has joined the game.*

*T0J0 has joined the game.*

*Roosevelt has joined the game.*

*Stalin has joined the game.*

*deGaulle has joined the game.*

Roosevelt: hey sup

T0J0: y0

Stalin: hi

Churchill: hi

Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!

paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks

T0JO: lol

Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!

benny-tow: haha america sux

Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?

Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever

Stalin: cool

deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help

Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy

Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry

Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me

Roosevelt: get antiair guns

Churchill: i cant afford them

benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?

paTTon: stfu

Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys

deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick

Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army

paTTon: yah hurry the fock up

Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded

deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck

*deGaulle has left the game.*

Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?

benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?

benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?

Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO

T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u

Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses

T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol

Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u

Hitler[AoE]: wtf

Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army

Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker

Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler

Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!

T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard

Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path

Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE

Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol

benny-tow: haha

benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1

T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full

Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help

Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya

Stalin: church help me

Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here

Stalin: dont be an arss

Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late

Eisenhower: LOL

benny-tow: hahahh oh crap help

Hitler: o man ur focked

paTTon: oh what now biotch

Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol

*benny-tow has been eliminated.*

benny-tow: lame

Roosevelt: gj patton

paTTon: thnx

Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my crap

Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record

Eisenhower: Nuts!

benny~tow: wtf that mean?

Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped

paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker

Stalin: rofl

T0J0: HAHAHHAA

Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay

Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city

*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*

benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself

Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL

Stalin: OMG LMAO!

Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows

*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*

paTTon: hahahhah

T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs

benny~tow: shut up noob

Roosevelt: haha wut a moron

paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?

Eisenhower: yah me too

T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol

Eisenhower: fock u

paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie

Stalin: go to hell lol

paTTon: fock this crap im goin afk

Eisenhower: yah this is gay

*Roosevelt has left the game.*

Hitler[AoE]: wtf?

Eisenhower: crap now we need some1 to join

*tru_m4n has joined the game.*

tru_m4n: hi all

T0J0: hey

Stalin: sup

Churchill: hi

tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!

tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES

Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz

tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple

Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets

T0J0: wtf is nukes?

T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!

*T0J0 has been eliminated.*

*The Allied team has won the game!*

Eisenhower: awesome!

Churchill: gg noobs no re

T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck

*T0J0 has left the game.*

*Eisenhower has left the game.*

Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****

Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss

tru_m4n: l8r all

benny~tow: bye

Churchill: l8r

Stalin: fock u all

tru_m4n: shut up commie lol

*tru_m4n has left the game.*

benny~tow: lololol u commie

Churchill: ROFL

Churchill: bye commie

*Churchill has left the game.*

*benny~tow has left the game.*

Stalin: i hate u all fags

*Stalin has left the game.*

paTTon: lol no1 is left

paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep

*paTTon has been eliminated.*

paTTon: o crap!

*paTTon has left the game.*

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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball

of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons

for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the

store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of

tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

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