cal50 Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 Traffic jam: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" "About a gallon" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
fst h2o Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Traffic jam: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" "About a gallon" I love it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby750© Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Woman and man in bed havinging ., the woman says to the man - 'your organ is a bit small'. ' The man says, 'It's not small, it's just never played in a cathedral this size before!' Woman standing nude, looks in bedroom mirror and says to her husband, 'I look horrible, fat and ugly, pay me a compliment'. Husband replies, 'your eyesights f**king spot on! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingkiwi Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" >> >> > >> Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel? Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. <><><><><><><> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant an it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? > >> <><><><><><><> Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman-- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." > >> A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?""Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Icecream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?" A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" > >> Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. Itcost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A fewdays later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeousyoung woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'" > >> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "Nope," he replied, "Arthritis.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
soundx98 Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park acquired a rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie was known to have a good old boy "you ain't gonna believe this," devil may care attitude -- especially after a few drinks. And it was rumored that he possessed a certain legendary accoutrement that could prove quite valuable given the present situation. Eddie was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept the offer, but only under four conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." Again the administrator readily agreed. "Third," Eddie said, "I want the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." The administrator agreed. "And last of all," Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 "And last of all," Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00." Nice. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. "Tray-up, classy lady." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kandoo Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 MILITARY WISDOM > "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher > ----------------------------------------------------- > "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine > Corps > ------------------------------------------------------ > "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are > guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop > ------------------------------------------------------ > "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal > ----------------------------------------------------- > "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never > encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur > ------------------------------------------------------ > "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. > Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. > ------------------------------------------------------ > "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance > - ----------------------------------------------------- > "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal > ------------------------------------------------------- > "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever > volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie > --------------------------------------------------- > "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David > Hackworth > ------------------------------------------------------- > "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - > Infantry Journal > - -------------------------------------------------------- > "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay > ------------------------------------------------------ > "Any ship can be a minesweeper . Once." > ------------------------------------------------------ > "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown > Marine Recruit > ------------------------------------------------------- > "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop > ------------------------------------------------------- > "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. > Crickmore (test pilot) > ------------------------------------------------------ > "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." > ------------------------------------------------------- > "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than > submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor > ------------------------------------------------------ > "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough > power left to get you to the scene of the crash." > ------------------------------------------------------- > "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!" > ------------------------------------------------------- > "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the > purpose of storing dead batteries." > -------------------------------------------------------- > "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the > crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot) > -------------------------------------------------------- > "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." > ------------------------------------------------------- > "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign > over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 > --------------------------------------------------------- > "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." > -------------------------------------------------------- > Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go > near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the > appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It > is much more difficult to fly there." > ------------------------------------------------------- > "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full > power to taxi to the terminal." > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > - > As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn > off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, > the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The > pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to > Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot) > > -- > "If you walk a mile in another man's shoes, you can steal his shoes." - > Unknown Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Blooz1 Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 Ah, jeez! I'm cryin' here! Those are GREAT! "Try and stay in the MIDDLE of the air"......arrrgh! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtaruMoroboshi Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 What do you call a woman who's lost 95% of her intelligence? A: Divorced. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kandoo Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 Cow Economics DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, have blue eyes, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows inAfghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. KENTUCKY CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
smolt Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in . to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in . and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his Dear Abby, What can I do about all the ., Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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