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One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

 

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

 

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

 

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

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THE HORMONE HOSTAGE

 

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

DANGEROUS:

SAFER:

SAFEST:

ULTRA SAFE:

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

ARE YOU

WEARING THAT?

WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!

WOW!

LOOK AT YOU!

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

WHAT ARE YOU

SO WORKED UP ABOUT?

COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?

HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE ALOT OF APPLES LEFT.

CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

WHAT DID

YOU DO

ALL DAY?

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!

HERE, HAVE

SOME MORE

WINE.

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING

3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE

4. PUFFY MID-SECTION

5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK

6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS

7. PARDON MY SOBBING

8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE

9. PASS MY SWEATS

10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME

11. POOR MEN SUCK

12. PACK MY STUFF

& MY FAVORITE ONE

13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR HORMONAL FRIENDS & THOSE WHO MIGHT NEED A GOOD LAUGH!!

...OR MEN WHO MAY NEED WARNING!!

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients

were shouting, "13...13....13...13."

 

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and

looked through to see what was going on.

 

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

 

Then they all started shouting. "14 ...14...14...14....".

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A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

 

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

 

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

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Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling butt-holes." Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well ... only two left!"

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Thanks for all the great material Fariss!

You did a great job in this thread dude. :)

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Roy and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed

the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 

One day Roy didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and

figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Roy hadn't shown up

for

a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they

ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Roy lived,

so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Roy,

but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat

Roy! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then

he said, "For crying out loud Roy, what in the world happened to you?"

 

Roy replied, "I have been in jail."

 

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

 

"Well," Roy said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde

waitress at the coffee shop where I some time go?"

 

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

 

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89

years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

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Theres a 30-story building and at the top of it is a bar with big windows to see around,

3 mexicans come up and come out of the elevator and only see one man drinking at the bar,

he takes a shot of tequila and jumps out the window,

30 stories, the 3 guys run to the window to see him on the ground, but nothing,

5 mins later the same guy comes up through the elevator, sits down at the bar and has another shot of tequila,

he looks at them, then gets up and jumps out hte window again,

so they rush back over to see, nothing anywhere once again, and they are confused,

5 mins later the same guy comes up AGAIN, sits down, has a shot and jumps out the window,

they run to the window and look out, nothing,

this time they say "if the white man can do it, we can do it too!"

they run to the bar, have a shot of tequila and jump out the window

they all fall 30 stories and SPLAT all over the ground!

5 minutes later the same guy comes up again for the 4th time, he walks in

and the bartender says........

 

"superman, your an butthole"

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