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How Insurance Works

 

 

After Mrs. O'Toole's barn burned down, she called her insurance agent to file a claim.

 

She told the insurance man, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand bucks, and we need that money immediately!"

 

"Just a minute there, Mrs. O'Toole," the agent replied. "Insurance doesn't work quite like that."

 

"What do you mean?!" she said. "The policy here says $50,000!"

 

"That's a maximum," the insurance man said. "What we do is will ascertain the value of what was insured, and then provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

 

After a long pause, she replied "That's how insurance works?!"

 

"Absolutely," the agent said.

 

"Well then," she said, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband immediately!"

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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

 

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist..

He pushed WW... warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought.

Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.

Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puffcompleted its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed.

The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your penis is under your pillow.'

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A teacher in a mathematics lecture asks a 3rd std class,” If there are

 

3 birds on a tree and u shoot one of them,how many birds would remain??

 

“.Johnny,the nuaghtiest of the lot, shoots up his hand.

 

teacher: “ok johnny ,wats the answer?”.

 

Johnny: “none,ma’am.

 

teacher: “how?”

 

Johnny:” after hearing the shot ,all the other birds will also fly away.”

 

Teacher:”no johnny, the answer here is 2,but I like the way u r thinkin.

 

now johnny has a doubt.

 

Johhny: ” teacher can i ask u a question?

 

Teacher: “sure”

 

johnny:” there are three ladies havin ice cream at the parlour.the first one is eatin it,the second is lickin it while the third one is suckin

 

on it.can u tell which one of the ladies is married??”

 

teacher is terribly embaressed,but she puts on a brave face and answers.

 

Teacher: “I….I……I guess the one which is suckin on the ice cream is married.”

 

Johnny:” no ma’am,the one who has the wedding ring on her finger is married,BUT I LIKE THE WAY U R THINKIN.” !!!!!

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A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

 

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

 

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two finalists

1) a Yale graduate and 2) a redneck.

They were given a word and allowed two minutes to study the wordand come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was 'Timbuktu'

First up was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand

trekked a lonely caravan

Men on camels,

two by two

Destination---Timbuktu

 

The crowd went crazy!

They thought there was absolutely no way the redneck could beat that.

 

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went

Met three whores in a popup tent

They was three and we was two,

So I buckedone,

and Timbuktu.

 

The redneck won hands down.

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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My

husband's home early!'

 

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'

 

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

 

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

 

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he

had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

 

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

 

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

 

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

 

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

 

Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed

right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

 

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

 

'Nope.........just when it's raining.

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A blonde needed to re-fill her tank since it was very close to empty.

 

She stopped at a gas station and proceeded to pump gas into the gas tank.

 

While she was waiting the nicotine urge got to her so she lit up a smoke.

 

From the gas fumes and the lighter flame the inevitable happened, she caught on fire.

 

As she was wildly thrashing on the ground trying to put the flames out a policeman saw here, quickly drove up, got out of the car and proceeded to shoot her in the head three times.

 

The gas station attendant ran out and asked why he would do such a thing. The officer responded...

 

"She was waiving a fire-arm at me."

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A man burst into a crowded bank, ordered everyone into a corner, and then got his bag filled with packets of money.

 

But instead of running out, he approached the crowd of terrified customers. He picked out one and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

 

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

 

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

 

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

 

"No sir, I sure didn't," the man replied -- "But my wife did."

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The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a

 

highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted

 

orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary

 

Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss,

 

any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT

 

TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you

 

should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the

 

premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and

 

purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer

 

Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take

 

the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from

 

your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five

 

friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected

 

and WORK is controlling your life.

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CORPORAL PETERS

 

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, 'You gotta be shittin' me!' Came from?

 

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River

With his troops. There were 33 men in Washington's boat. It was Extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them About.

 

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the Front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so They could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving

Rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and Forth.

 

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his Lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly An hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them Felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet And totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they Must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see Lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge House.

 

What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute Hidden in the forest to serve all who wandered nearby.

 

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The Door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A Huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

 

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and Desperately need warmth and comfort.'

 

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad Smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right Place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.

 

How many men do you Have?'

 

Washington replied, 'Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

 

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin' me'.

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