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cpuz

good JOKE for ya...

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on cleaner side.......

 

 

 

a pirate walks into a bar.

the pirate has a helm (the steering wheel of a ship) seemingly attatched to the crotch of his trousers.

the bartender sees the helm, and says "what is that? why do you have a helm attatched to your crotch?"

the pirated replies....

"ARRRRR, IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"

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15 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

 

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

 

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

 

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

7. Never lick a steak knife.

 

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

 

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

 

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

 

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

 

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

 

14. Your friends love you anyway.

 

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 

FINAL THOUGHT: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Guest Blooz1

Good laughs, but also a lot of truth in that one, soundx!

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Guest LithoTech

That stuff is sooo true! I ain't 50 yet, but have always made a point of learning from others' mistakes, so only some of it I can verify with personal experience! :P

 

Here's a newer twist on an older list that has been circulating for years, couple of new items in there I didn't recognise either:

 

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists

that Mr. Fenton go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored

with all the shopping. He prefers to get

in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

Here's a letter sent to her from the store.

 

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

 

Over the past six months, your husband has been

causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot

tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from

our stores. We have documented all incidents on our

video surveillance equipment. All complaints against

Mr. Fenton are listed below.

 

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was

shopping in Wal-Mart:

 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and

randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't

looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in

Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the

floor leading to the restrooms.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told

her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ...

and watched what happened.

 

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to

put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

 

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign

to a carpeted area.

 

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping

department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in

if they'll bring pillows from the bedding

department.

 

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help

him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people

just leave me alone?'

 

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera;

used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

 

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting

department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find

the antidepressants.

 

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously

loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

 

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his

"Madonna look" using different size funnels.

 

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people

browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

 

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud

speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams

"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

 

And last, but not least ....

 

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door

waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no

toilet paper in here!"

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Here's a joke: Newegg's RMA policy.

 

EDIT: I must say however that they did an amazing job ensuring satisfaction. They actually looked into it further based on a review I'd made and they ended up refunding my restocking fee. :D

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