good JOKE for ya...

[red930]

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school.Can I ask you a question?"

 

Father:"Sure son. What's the question?"

 

Son: "What is Politics?"

 

Father:"Well.let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her Goverment.We take care of your needs, so let's call you The People.We'll call the maid The Working class and your baby brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?

 

Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

 

That night awakened by his brother crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maids's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

 

The next morning he reported to his father.

 

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

 

Father:"Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

 

Son: "Well dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completelty ignored and The Future is full of crap.

[red930]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

 

The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

 

"I'm a whore," she says.

 

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

 

The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."

 

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

 

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

 

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl?

 

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

 

He replies: "Good enough."

[Reinvented]

Lmao

[Guest Gir]

She wanted embroidered on panties and her bra

a message that told him that he'd gone too far.

A motif that told him

"If you can read this, You're much too close, so give it a miss."

 

"Certainly Madam," the saleslady said.

"In what kind of script would you like it read?

Copperplate? San Serif? Bold wouldn't fail."

She thought for a moment and then she said… "Braille."

[soundx98]

The new Men's Thesaurus –

 

"I'M GOING FISHING"

Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a Stream with a stick in my hand, while fish swim by in complete safety."

 

IT'S A GUY THING"

Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”

Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."

Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Means: "I have no idea how it works."

 

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

 

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".

Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Means: "Are you still talking?"

 

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

 

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".

Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

 

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

 

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".

Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

 

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Means: "What did you catch me at?"

 

"I HEARD YOU."

"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping

desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

 

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

 

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[BlueOval]

A young, inexperienced (in more ways than one) business executive for a multinational corporation gets his first overseas assignment in Japan. His first night there a young geisha girl brings up a bouquet of the hotel's complimentary flowers. She is quite sexy, our young exec thinks, and so he decides to go for it. She accepts his proposition, and they proceed to the bedroom.

 

During lovemaking, the girl mutters the word, "Hitakushi, Hitakushi," occasionally. Being the inexperienced young lad that he is, he believes that "Hitakushi" must mean "Great" in Japanese. The night ends, and the man feels like he is top of the world. But it does not end there. The girl returns the next evening, and the same thing happens as the night before. And always the girl is saying, "Hitakushi". He, needless to say feels like quite the dynamo.

 

The week is coming to a close, and the exec's last duty is to play a round of golf with a prospective Japanese business client. Both players are having a mediocre day, until the 9th hole. The Japanese man hits a hole-in-one, and, our young exec, thinking he had the perfect opportunity to use his new word in Japanese, yells out emphatically, "Hitakushi! Hitakushi!"

 

The Japanese man turns around and asks angrily, "What the hell do you mean, WRONG HOLE!?!?!?!?"

[BlueOval]

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

 

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

 

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match.. The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

 

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

 

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

 

"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

 

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

[Guest Gir]

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

 

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

 

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match.. The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

 

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

 

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

 

"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

 

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

 

omg that is soooooooooo old but the other one u posted was great

[nortius_maximus]

Bad News

 

 

I've caught that Bird Flu.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know its bird flu because

 

 

i have started talking crap,

 

 

wearing make up

 

 

and i can't park the fecking car.

[BlueOval]

omg that is soooooooooo old but the other one u posted was great

LOL So am I.

[smolt]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer

drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth

until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the

attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his

mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."

 

 

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[calvintang]

good one..