BlueOval Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 A bald guy with a peg leg has been invited to a halloween party, but he has nothing to wear. He's extremely self-conscious about his head and leg, so he writes to a costume company explaining his problem. The next day he gets a box in the mail. He opens the box to find a letter which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed an eye patch and a bandana. The bandana will nicely cover your head and, since you already have a peg leg, that will go nicely with the pirate's theme. Happy Halloween, ACME Costume Company" Well, he is just incensed over the fact that they have drawn attention to his peg leg, so he writes them a letter of complaint. The next day another box arrives in the mail. Opening it he finds a letter which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's robe which will nicely cover your leg. Since you're already bald, this will go nicely with the monk's theme. Happy Halloween, ACME Costume Company" So now he's really angry that they're bringing attention to his bald head. This time he writes a long, nasty letter of complaint. The next day another box arrives in the mail. He opens it to find a letter which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a jar of molasses. Pour the molasses over your head, shove the peg leg up your butt, and go as a caramel apple! Happy Halloween, ACME Costume Company" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanSeasforMe Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 HAVING A BAD DAY? Just remember, it could be worse..... 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. I would have paid to see the look on their faces. That one has one of those mastercard moments written all over it. Score Nature 1 Seals 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoJo Risin' Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 I would have paid to see the look on their faces. That one has one of those mastercard moments written all over it. Score Nature 1 Seals 0 LOL. We need to add one thing to our scorecard: Taxpayers -$80,000.00 (and I'm sure it grows every day due to these activists) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueOval Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Two condoms are walking down the street one day. As they pass a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "Hey, let's go inside and get shitfaced.". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 That is just so wrong :eek2: Two condoms are walking down the street one day. As they pass a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "Hey, let's go inside and get shitfaced.". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueOval Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I didn't make it up, I'm just passin it on. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, . without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to ., I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cythrawl Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??" Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course." Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The Englishman listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??" Englishman: "Of Course." Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chukling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain." After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have . in France?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueOval Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 @AceGoober: LMAO!!! Everything save for Rule Seven brought back many memories for me when my daughter started high school. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
king of nothing Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Heh.... that reminds me of some advice a friend of mine gave me for when my girls get bigger. He says that when a guy shows up to take your daughter out on a first date he should find you at the dining room table cleaning your firearms. And some parting words for the young man.... "Don't do anything to her that you wouldn't want me to do to you." and "You know..... I got no problem goin' back to prison." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim, to watch and report any activities that happen when he was away. Most honorable sir: You leave house. I watch house. He come to house I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree - look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree. Not see. NO FEE Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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