cal50 Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 *Any relationship to an actual penguin implied or actual is only coincidental and not indicative of any penguin real or imaginary. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
txmale36 Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 good disclaimer. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked. "Beersex." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cal50 Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 A man takes his wife to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor pulls the man aside and tells him of some bad news. "Your wife either has aids or Alzheimer’s disease,” says the doctor. The husband ask’s "How can you tell which one it is?” The doctor say's it's easy "Just drop her off a few blocks from your house on the way home. If she finds her way home don't have . with her". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 A man takes his wife to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor pulls the man aside and tells him of some bad news. "Your wife either has aids or Alzheimer’s disease,” says the doctor.The husband ask’s "How can you tell which one it is?” The doctor say's it's easy "Just drop her off a few blocks from your house on the way home. If she finds her way home don't have . with her". Now that was BAAAAAADDDD LOL! Here is one that is even worse: The Knob A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob". Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get r id of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cpuz Posted April 23, 2005 Posted April 23, 2005 Now that was BAAAAAADDDD LOL! Here is one that is even worse: You were right! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted April 23, 2005 Posted April 23, 2005 AceGoober wins! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cal50 Posted April 23, 2005 Posted April 23, 2005 Well if you want bad- What do you get when you stand a blond on her head ? A brunette with bad breath. Baaaaaaddd. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cpuz Posted April 23, 2005 Posted April 23, 2005 Well if you want bad- What do you get when you stand a blond on her head ? A brunette with bad breath. Baaaaaaddd. lol :nod: oh yeah, again you were right....baaaaaaaaaad! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tommy Trauma Posted April 23, 2005 Posted April 23, 2005 Demon: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell! Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! Guy: Gee that sounds great! Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You know it! Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow...that's...awesome! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why, yes I do. Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow. Demon: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?... Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!! Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!! Demon: You gay? Guy: No.... Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cal50 Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said; "Hey Buddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
red930 Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Guy walks into a bar. As he orders a drink he notices a woman sitting at the other end and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and get the douche bag what she wants too". The bartender gets upset and tells the man, we refer to women as ladies in this bar. Once again the bartender asks for the order and he says, "I'll have a beer and get the douche bag what she wants too". At this point the bartender is fed up with the guy so he gets him the beer. He then approaches the woman and asks what she'll have. Her response is, "I'll have a vinegar and water!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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