good JOKE for ya...

[fariss]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was

nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his

gloves.

 

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

 

"No, I don't," she replied.

 

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank

of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in

their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them

into boxes of the right size."

 

She didn't crack a smile.

 

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

 

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,

she burst out laughing.

 

 

"What's so funny?" he asked

 

 

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

[fariss]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

 

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a

demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

 

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,

with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six

thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk

and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never

get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks

carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly

manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although

he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the

wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates

all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just

turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney

moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph

told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me

twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here

and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[red930]

This employee named Du` Pham has been late to work for 1 week straight.

 

When the Boss finaly got tired of it and decided to call him at home to find out what`s going on.

 

During the phone call, Du` opened his feeling up and told his boss what was the matter.

 

"Boss! Me no not right. Me so tired in morning, hard to focus.

 

At that time the Boss broke in and responded, "Du`, You should try what I do:

I used to have that problem, then I started making love to my wife every morning.

You won't believe how much better you`ll feel! "

 

The next day Du` Pham shows up to work on time. Surprised! the boss called him

in the office.

 

Do` greeted him with a smile and telling him, "You right Boss, Me feel so much better.

And by way, you have very nice house too!"

[red930]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

 

"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

 

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

 

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

 

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

 

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

 

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

 

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

 

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

 

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

 

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!

 

Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

 

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?!"

[red930]

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

 

Indian: "Yep."

 

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

 

Indian: "Dog no talk."

 

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

 

Dog: "Doin' all right."

 

Indian: (Look of shock!)

 

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)

 

Dog: "Yep."

 

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

 

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes

me to the lake once a week to play."

 

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

 

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

 

Indian: "Horse no talk."

 

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

 

Horse: "Cool."

 

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

 

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian)

 

Horse: "Yep."

 

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

 

Horse: "Pretty good, thank s for asking, he rides me, brushes me down

often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

 

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

 

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

 

Indian: "Sheep lie."

[fariss]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[snugglealufacus]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5Def59xRQQ&feature=related

 

Yeah, I wanna send a car to space too..

[fariss]

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices that the local vendors were asking.

 

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared , "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!"

 

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

 

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

 

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

 

 

 

"CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

[Snowpro]

Why did the black guy wear a tuxedo when he went get his Vasectomy done?

 

 

 

Because

 

 

 

He thought, if he was going to be ImPotent, he might as well Look Impotent

[fariss]

Once, long ago, a king summoned his provincial rulers. He was feeling

belligerent, and wanted to scare them into paying extra taxes. The

rulers conferred on the way, and decided that they should pay the

extra. But they decided to first pretend to refuse, so they could

bargain the king down. They arrived at the king's castle, and gathered

in the audience chamber. The king made his demands, and as agreed,

they started to refuse. Unfortunately, the king got angry, and ordered

his guards to kill them on the spot. Half were slain before they even

realized what was happening. The others had to do some quick groveling

to survive. After everything had settled down, the survivors explained

their plan. The king was filled with remorse. The moral: Don't hatchet

your counts before they chicken.

[dr_bowtie]

Always Proof read everything.....

 

That way you dont anything out...

[radodrill]

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of a library and said, "I have a complaint!"

 

"Yes, ma'am?"

 

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

 

"What was wrong with it?"

 

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

 

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."