good JOKE for ya...

[ReelFiles]

That's a classic, totally forgot about the punch line LMFAO.

[wardog]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

 

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

 

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

 

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

 

"But what about the smell?"

 

"Just hold its nose."

 

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[Guest Blooz1]

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[fariss]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had . all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

 

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

 

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

 

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell

you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

 

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

 

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

[fariss]

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection.

 

That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

 

Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc., etc.

 

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport security Service". Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across their backs:F. A. T. A. S. S.

 

The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.

 

I feel safer already.

[ReelFiles]

[Darkorb]

Originally Posted by CPDMF View Post

1. Go to google.com.

 

2. Click on Maps.

 

3. Click on Get Directions.

 

4. From: New York, New York.

 

5. To: Paris, France.

 

6. Then, read line #23.

 

LOL DUDE, WTF IS UP WITH THAT, THATS HILARIOUS

[Splave]

 

Nice find reelfiles lol

[fariss]

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any . for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese . therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly."Your

probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf . or dates.

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

 

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."

[Kingfisher]

A man with a sheep under his arm walk's into his bedroom where his wife is laying on the bed.

The man says "I have . with this pig whenever you tell me you have a headache"

His wife then says " Honey , that is not a pig, that is a sheep you are carrying"

The man then replies " I wasn't talking to you"

[ReelFiles]

Nice find reelfiles lol

 

Had me cracking up, almost woke up my family, hehe.

[red930]

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

 

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

 

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

 

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

 

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.