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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

 

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

 

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

 

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

 

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

 

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

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Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a "get acquainted" tour of the White House.

 

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he might use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

 

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"

 

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been when he discovered that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

 

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

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The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your butt,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

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This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...remember, mathematics don't lie!

it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O

P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

 

and

 

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

B-U-L-L-grrrr

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far butt kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bull crap and butt kissing that will put you over the top.

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Don't mess with Old people!

 

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

 

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.The old man kept staring at him.

 

The teenager would look and find the old man

staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had . with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang

At 2 in the morning.

The very blonde wife picked up the

Phone, listened a moment and said "How should I

Know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered,

"I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the

Coast is clear."

 

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One

Notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down

To pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror

And says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The

Second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the

First blonde hands her the compact. The second

One looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy,

it's me!"

 

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on

Her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to

His apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the

Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her

Purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,

She is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and

Puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

 

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of

State capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask

Me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK,

what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde

Replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

 

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told

Her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

 

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA

Freshman, sat in her US government class. The

Professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.

Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then

Finally said, "That was the decision George

Washington had to make before he crossed the

Delaware"

 

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to

Find her house ransacked and burglarized. She

Telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the

Radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the

First to respond. As the K-9 officer approached

The house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran

Out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the

Cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I

Come home to find all my possessions stolen. I

Call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

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This has probably been posted, but i cant remember. Hilarious joke from one of my fav movies Boondock Saints. (language edited slightly :P)

 

Uh, OK. There's these three guys walking on the beach, a mexican, a white guy, and a black guy. So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says you can wish for whatever you want. So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. It's done. Then he says to the black guy... "What do you want?" And the black guy says "I want all my black brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in Africa. So he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the mexicans and blacks are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."

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