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good JOKE for ya...

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OMG!this literally had me HOWLING with laughter and crying...

from

 

EDIT: fixed link.

http//bash.org

 

HAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

atomrofl.gif wtf is wrong with that psycho (ROFLMFAO LOL again)

 

i am going to email that link to every one i know :spam:

 

 

Back on topic

 

 

so a blond had an algebra exam and she had the following question

"Y=2 and X=16(Y)

find X"

she drew an arrow to X and wrote " it is right here you dummy"

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Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

 

Practice Safe ., Go Screw Yourself.

 

If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.

 

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

 

If You Don't Believe In Oral ., Keep Your Mouth Shut.

 

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

 

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

 

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

 

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

 

To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

 

If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.

 

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

 

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

 

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

 

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

 

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Butt.

 

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

 

The Earth Is Full --- Go Home.

 

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.

 

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

 

So Many Pedestrians --- So Little Time.

 

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

 

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

 

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.

 

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

 

Illiterate? Write For Help.

 

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

 

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

 

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.

 

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

 

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

 

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

 

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?

 

It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.

 

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

 

If You Can Read This, The Girl Fell Off.

[seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest].

 

If . Is A Pain In The Butt, Then You're Doing It Wrong.

 

Fight Crime --- Shoot Back!

 

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.

[seen upside Down, On A Jeep]

 

Remember Folks --- Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

 

Guys --- No Shirt, No Service; Gals --- No Shirt, No Charge.

[Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]

 

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut?

 

Necrophillia --- That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

 

Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.

 

Body By Nautilus --- Brain By Mattel.

 

Boldly Going Nowhere.

 

Cat --- The Other White Meat.

 

Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde!

 

Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That.

 

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

 

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

 

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

 

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

 

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

 

Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

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An elderly gentleman shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled

himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he

ordered a banana split.

 

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

 

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

 

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral . she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

 

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral . she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

 

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

 

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

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a guy is unsure whether his fiance is experienced or a virgin.his friend says

to ask her what she calls his p****.if she says p****,shes probably virgin,

if she says d*** she might not be,if she says c*** she definitely aint.so when he asks her would you call this a p****,she says yes,he thinks cool maybe shes virgin.then he asks her if she would call it a d***,she says i guess so.well would you call it a c***, she replies oh no a c*** is huge and hurts.

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Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.

You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

 

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest

said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.

You can speak two words."

 

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

 

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

 

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her

that the food would be better in the future.

 

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called

Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

 

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

 

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but classy lady

since you got here."

:D

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Har.. That was pretty decent.

 

 

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPY LIFE:

 

 

 

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job.

 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

 

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

 

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

 

Yep, dream on.....

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A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

 

Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle."

 

Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?"

 

Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."

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Jim was in trouble.

 

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

 

The next morning Jim got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Jim has been missing since Friday.

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