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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"

 

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."

 

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

 

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

 

 

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

 

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

 

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

 

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

 

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

 

 

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

 

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

 

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,

 

More men are riding my invention than yours!"

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Clear Skies Warren D-8042

Maj Michael R. Hampton, 115th AS, USAF, ANG,

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

“There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we’re dropping faster than Paris Hilton’s panties. It's a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I'm sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But that’s neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But this is 2004, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology—namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys.”

 

 

 

“Additionally, my old 4-engine 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system (MWS). The MWS conveniently makes a nice soothing tone in your headset just before the missile explodes into your plane. Who says you can't polish a turd?”

 

 

 

“At any rate, the NVGs are illuminating Baghdad International Airport like the Las Vegas Strip during a Mike Tyson fight. These NVGs are the cat's butt. But I digress.”

 

 

 

“The preferred method of approach tonight is ‘the random shallow.’ This tactical maneuver allows the pilot to ingress the landing zone in an unpredictable manner, thus exploiting the supposedly secured perimeter of the airfield in an attempt to avoid enemy surface-to-air-missiles and small arms fire. Personally, I wouldn’t bet my pale butt on that theory but the approach is fun as hell and that's the real reason we fly it.”

 

 

 

“We get a visual on the runway at three miles out, drop down to one thousand feet above the ground, still maintaining two hundred eighty knots. Now the fun starts. It's pilot appreciation time as I descend the mighty Herk to six hundred feet and smoothly, yet very deliberately, yank into a sixty degree left bank, turning the aircraft ninety degrees offset from runway heading. As soon as we roll out of the turn, I reverse turn to the right a full two hundred seventy degrees in order to roll out aligned with the runway. Some aeronautical Ph.D. genius coined this maneuver the ‘Ninety/Two-Seventy.’ Chopping the power during the turn, I pull back on the yoke just to the point my nether regions start to sag, bleeding off energy in order to configure this pig for landing.”

 

 

 

“Flaps Fifty! Landing Gear Down! Before-Landing Checklist!” I look over at the copilot and he's shaking like a cat shitting on a sheet of ice. Glancing further back at the navigator; even through the NVGs, I can clearly see the wet spot quickly spreading around his crotch. Finally, I take a short peek at my steely-eyed flight engineer. His eyebrows rise in unison as a grin forms on his face. I can tell he’s thinking the same thing I am …“Where do we find such fine young men?”

 

 

 

“Flaps One Hundred!” I bark at the shaking cat. Now it’s all aimpoint and airspeed. Aviation 101, with one exception—there are no lights, I’m on NVGs, it’s Baghdad, and now tracers are starting to crisscross the black sky. Naturally, and not at all surprisingly, I quickly grease the Goodyear’s on brick-one of runway 33 left, bring the throttles to ground idle and then force the props to full reverse pitch. Tonight, the sound of freedom is my four Hamilton Standard propellers chewing through the thick, putrid, Baghdad air. My huge, one hundred thirty thousand pound, lumbering whisper-pig comes to a lurching stop in less than two thousand feet. Let’s see a Viper do that!”

 

 

 

“We exit the runway to a welcoming committee of government-issued Army grunts. It’s time to download their beans and bullets and letters from their sweethearts, kids, moms and whatever, look for war booty, and of course, pee on Saddam’s home. Walking down the crew entry steps with my lowest-bidder, Beretta 92F, 9 millimeter strapped smartly to my side, I look around and thank God, not Allah, I'm an American and I'm on the winning team. And then, I thank God I'm not in the Army. Knowing once again I've cheated death, I ask myself, “What in the hell am I doing in this mess at my age?” Is it Duty, Honor, and Country? You bet your butt. Or could it possibly be for the glory, the swag, and not to mention, chicks dig the Air Medal? There’s probably some truth there too. But now is not the time to derive the complexities of the superior, cerebral properties of the human portion of the aviator-man-machine model.

 

It is however, about time to get out of this .-hole. "Hey copilot, clean yourself up! Check the fuel top off. And how’s ‘bout the ‘Before-Starting Engines Checklist.’”

 

 

 

“God, I love this job!”

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Subject : Third Grade

 

 

 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having

trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your

problem?"

 

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My

sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I

should be in the 3rd grade too!"

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the

principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher

explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told

Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer

any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She

agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were

explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."

 

And so it went with every question the principal

thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and

tells her, "I

think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal,

"Let me ask him

some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that

I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but

I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a

question. Harry replied: "Pockets."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps

into?" Harry: "Pants."

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is

hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry:

"Coconut."

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging

open.

 

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes

out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before

he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman

does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands."

 

The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and

ends

in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the

teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions

wrong...... "

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Two blondes are walking in the woods when one spots tracks and says, "hey look, bear tracks!" to which the other blonde replies, "no those are deer tracks!"

 

They argue about this for many hours....

 

 

 

 

The next morning, news headlines read:two blondes, killed by train.

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Viz Top Tips --- UK Magazine - sent in by readers - rather amusing!

 

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour

a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

 

2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you

from going back to sleep.

 

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting

someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding

at people as they walk up the aisle.

 

5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the

chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing

in the first place, you fat b******s.

 

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following

morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a

thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the

wall.

 

7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside

by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the

bath.

 

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own

home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of

bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one

and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

 

10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by

drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange

place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously

'erased'.

 

11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand

closer to what you want to look at.

 

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic.

 

14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of

lard.

 

15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start

eating cakes again.

 

16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an

ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

 

17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,

imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to

your intended destination in the first place.

 

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

inexpensive vibrator.

 

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic

steroids by running a bit slower.

 

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by

simply p*ssing in the sink.

 

21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar

by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

 

22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of

steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat

substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any

difference.

 

23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no

doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them

about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

 

24. Spice up your s*x life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'. Take your

missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by

the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

 

25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment

always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the

garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain

and check that it has gone.

 

26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames

of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

 

27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for

a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

 

28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your

windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and

driving the wrong way up one way streets.

 

29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping

your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

 

30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device

by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a

JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the

lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen,

with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

 

31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on

toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

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